Well, 2014 is over and 2015 is here. It’s time for a new start and outlook on life right? Let’s see how these new year resolutions stay with us! As this year starts, I reflected on last year. It was quite a busy year for me. I am interested to see what 2015 has in store for me. A graduation with a master’s degree is one thing I do have to look forward to this year. It will be a lot of hard work, but I am almost there.
2014 ended in an interesting way for me. December was honestly a very hard and trying month for me. There were a lot of tears, questionings and frustrations. A lot of wanting to throw in the towel. A lot of sitting in church and saying, “Okay big guy…As always, I need help. What is your plan for me? I am really struggling with this right now and need your guidance.” A lot of reading comforting and assuring bible passages. As we neared Christmas vacation, I started experiencing some health issues. I was so run down and got some lightheadness here and there. The lightheadness freaked me out as I felt like I could faint every time it hit me and had to hold onto something or sit down until it went away. I even started teaching with the door open so that if I did faint, the principal would see it. This lightheadness and fatigue didn’t stop and would occur on a daily basis and very frequently right before Christmas break. One thing led to another and I got myself an appointment with the family doctor on New Year’s Eve. I go in and we discuss my symptoms. She comes out and asks what my lightheadness feels like and how I come out of it. I had a hard time describing it, so she started going through scenarios on what it could feel like and I agreed every time she said something that happens to me. About five-ten minutes into the appointment she starts asking me if I worry a lot. I said, “Uhh yes. I will admit to that. I am a big worrier.” Then she says, “And I know you have been all your life.” Yes, she has known me all my life. It’s a small community and she is a family friend. At that point, I knew where she was going with it. She then asked me when this all started. I told her right after grad school finals. She nodded and said something around the lines of, “Let’s have a chat about this.” We talked further into what was going on when the symptoms started. She then explained what an anxiety attack feels like. As she talked some dread filled me. My “spells” felt exactly like what she was talking about. I was in denial. It couldn’t be what she was talking about. I study anxiety issues in children and know the symptoms of it. I was so oblivious to my own symptoms. I knew she could read my face as she talked. She was very comforting and assuring and even explained how she has the same exact thing happen to her. After I finally accepted that this could be my issue and agreed to trying something to help with it if there was nothing else wrong with me, she moved on with the exam to see if it could be anything else and ordered some blood tests. Before the exam, I got the idea that it was pointless to continue. She already knew the real issue. Sure, she’s the doc. Of course she knew. I walked out of the office thinking, “Shit…did I really just go get an exam just to be told that I am having anxiety problems?” Then I made my way to the lab. I have a needle phobia, so I knew this would be an issue for me. The lady doing the lab starts and takes much more blood than I would have thought she would have. Yup, I was pretty much squirming in my seat and gripping onto the armrest as she took each tube of blood from me. I survived it and didn’t pass out like I would have thought I was going to. Just had to remind myself, “Don’t look…do not look.” No big deal. I am a big girl and was still dazed by the news I had been given.
Later on that day, the doctor calls me back and tells me the results of the main blood test. She was right. Nothing was wrong. I should be happy about that. But, I still had a pit in my stomach as she told me that after the other results come in she would prescribe me with something to help with my anxiety. I was still in denial as I hung up the phone. My sister and I had a long talk about it because she knew I was feeling like a little bit of a failure for this. I mean I can’t deal with my own stress and emotions? I was always fine before. Why now? Why is it so bad now? After the talk, I ended up accepting it. Just like the doctor pointed out to me, I am in a very trying time of my life right now. I am surviving a full time job that is very difficult and doing graduate school at the same time. I have a lot of demands placed on me. This break down was bound to happen. I do have to give her kudos. She did very well approaching the topic in a motherly manner and not making me feel bad for it. She even openly told me about her when not many other doctors would do that. If I wasn’t in such denial when I walked out, I probably would have thanked her for figuring out what was wrong with me. So, we will see where it goes from here. I know what issues I have and am given a solution to it. I should be grateful for the health I have been given. I could have gotten a much worse diagnosis. But I suppose that any diagnosis comes with a bit of shock.
Yes, this entry may be a bit melancholy, but it’s what I have on my head right now. Life is never easy and the twenties decade is probably one of the most trying times as one figures out what they are called to do with their life. So, let’s see where 2015 takes us. Hopefully it will be a year filled with much excitement, health and happiness for us. Happy 2015!