As I stated in my last blog, I am in the state of depression where there are many tears. I find myself crying every day over little things and wonder why I am doing this. This only leads me to think of myself as a failure and weakling because I can’t make it a day without tears. Many of us live with the thought that tears are for the weak. For babies. That we must put on a happy face when out in the world and keep the tears for the silence and darkness of our own bed. I am guilty of that thought. Then I thought to myself recently, “You know what…I am in my 20’s and have lost both of my parents, who I truly loved. I have also been rejected by many of my siblings. I have a right to cry over my situation and the loss of my parents because I truly miss them.” Then the tears come. Then I begin to feel like I am feeling sorry for myself and try to stop it. But, here is my thought of the day: Tears of sadness do not make us weak. Scriptures show us that. Many of the great prophets had tears. I mean Jesus even cried. If he cried, that shows us it is okay to cry.
As humans, God has provided us with several emotions. ****Sidenote here: If anyone has seen the latest Disney movie, Inside Out, you know the major emotions that play roles in our every day life. As the movie teaches us, sadness plays a key role in our life and it is okay to be sad. Great lesson for kids. Okay back to topic.**** My thoughts are that if God has provided us with these emotions, isn’t it okay to feel it? These emotions are a gift to us. We are supposed to feel them, not be ashamed of them. We just can’t let ourselves get into these emotions too deep. We must look to the Lord to deliver us from our deepest emotions before we do something that is truly unGodly. Yes, I will be honest with you here. Last week I was diagnosed by my therapist and doctor with depression. I was in deep. I was guilty of not looking to God to deliver me from my pain and help me feel his love. The day I finally got out of bed I remember saying, “Okay God, I am sorry I got myself here. I feel crummy and like no one loves me. This earth is a painful place. Please help me get out of this because I hate feeling this way and know that you don’t want me to feel this way. I love you. Please show me your mercy and love.” Since then there have been slight improvements. God is showing me the way to overcome these tears. It’s not an instant fix, but I know he is there guiding me through it. There are signs everyday that remind me of his love and presence.
With that being said, tears and sadness. They are not signs of weakness. I find that I am truly closer to God in my sadness. I feel his presence now more than I ever have and know that my praying is more sincere and meaningful through my tears. I remember being at my father’s funeral three months ago. We were at the family viewing in which only the siblings were allowed to see the body and casket in a private viewing before the service. Everyone had someone to comfort them and I was alone, viewing my beloved father’s deceased body for the first time. It was then that I fell down on the kneeler in front of the casket and started sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I was leaving snot and tears all over the kneeler as I gasped for breath. I then fixed my eyes on the crucifix on the alter behind the casket and asked the Lord to give me courage, comfort, and strength as I sobbed. I know God heard that cry because I was immediately calmed. I felt like the big guy reached down off that cross and embraced me in a fatherly hug. Letting me know he was there for me. My prayer was answered. Point being here: God hears our tears. We know that God is close to the broken-hearted. Therefore, I believe that he is present for us in our vulnerability more than we ever think he is. We may think that he left us in this hard time, but the truth is, he hasn’t. He is closer than ever. He hears our tears and collects them. Scriptures tell us that. If we weren’t meant to cry, he wouldn’t have given us the gift of sadness. As I heard a priest say in a sermon one Sunday, we must have balance in life. Life must have sadness in order for us to have happiness and God delivers us from the sadness to bring us to a better thing he has planned for us. We just need to have faith and let God hear and collect our tears. We must remember that sadness is not weakness and it will not last forever. After all, Scriptures do tell us that when we come before our Lord on judgement day, he will wipe away all our tears and deliver us to eternal happiness. So in the end, it’s okay to feel your sadness. Cry your tears, but also give your tears to God. Pray through your grief. If you don’t know what to pray, it’s okay. Just talk to God as you cry. I promise that he will hear you and you will experience his love and comfort during your grief.