Hello all! I know I have taken a little hiatus from writing here, so I am sorry to all of you who look for frequent posts from me. I figured I would write today to explain. As you may know from reading past posts I have written, I am on a depression cycle driven by deep grief. And, as anyone who has ever experienced depression knows, there are good days/weeks and there are bad days/weeks. Well, this past week has been one of those bad ones. Some recent events have thrown me back. Don’t worry, I still do therapy and my devotions to carry me through it. All I can say right now is that I am tired. I am weak. And I wish I could go on with a normal life when I can’t even think/focus enough to write a statement of purpose to apply for an advanced degree. I am also envious. Envious of those who can focus, carry on with their daily lives, do/enjoy what they normally love, and not be tired/weak. Yes, those are my feelings right now.
Today, I drove out to the farm where I grew up. This is a huge step for me. It was the house I lived all my life in. Also, both of my parents died in that house and my brothers have inherited it. Needless to say, it is no longer home to me. I was there alone and went inside. I smelled the familiar smells of home. The smells that used to be of comfort to me. The exact smells that told me I was in a loving home with my father, or when my mother was alive, both my parents. Those smells are still there and the memories came rushing back to me. Oddly enough, this visit wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. I took in my surroundings and smiled through some memories. I took in the farmland being harvested around the house and the country roads I used to go for runs on. I took in the family pictures on the wall. I remembered it all and got a longing in my heart as I remembered that this was no longer that place. That I would no longer experience those things in this place that was home. After some time, I said goodbye to the farm and drove back to where I am staying right now. As I was driving, one of my favorite songs came on the Christian radio station I was listening to. This song is Worn by Tenth Avenue North. That song describes exactly how I am feeling right now. I am worn. My heart is very heavy with the work it takes to keep on breathing. But, as a reminder, this song tells that God will give me rest. That through these struggles he will provide for the worn souls and give rest, if we turn to him. After all, it is stated in Matthew 11:28: “Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” We may be worn at times, but God will always give us rest. He assures us that he will give us rest.