Two weeks ago, I had a therapy session in which my therapist and I discussed friendships. I told him that I felt like I ruined all my close friendships through my grief and depression and that I wouldn’t get them back to normal because I did so much harm to them. First, he asked me if I still wanted the friendships to continue. In response to this, I blabbed on and on and on about how I was the one that did the damage. How my extreme emotions ruined everything. How I went too far into depression and maybe if I didn’t go so far, the friendships would still be okay. How people don’t really get my depression and I think they think it is all in my head and how maybe it is all in my head. And on the excuses and blame went. The blame was always on me. I blamed myself. Sure, part of it was probably the depression talking, but I admitted to myself (out loud and in front of my therapist) that I wasn’t good enough to have friends. That everything is my fault. That I am just some scum that no one wants to love. That’s where I was.
Amid my babbling of blame, he stopped me. There was some silence as I thought, “Why did he do that? What did I do?” Then, he told me to stop taking the blame. That the blame is taking me further in depression. He asked me if I always took the blame. To which I said, “Yes. I do.” He explained that to an extent that could be good, but in my depression it is not good at all. He also informed me that I needed to stop working so hard to save relationships. That I am the victim here. Friends are the ones supposed to show me compassion in my time of sorrow and depression. I am not the one that is supposed to seek it out from them. I was the victim. Not the doer. Somehow I was supposed to get it in my head that it wasn’t my job to fix the relationships. It was their job to fight for me for once. So, as an assignment, I am to break these chain thoughts of blame. I walked out of that session thinking, “How does one stop taking blame when they think (and others allow them to think) that everything is their fault?”
I have spent the last week working on this concept, as well as thinking about it. My sister caught me taking blame a few times and stopped me. Finally, today (yes, three hours before my next therapy session) the answer came to me. I do need to work on not taking the blame and having more faith. I think this blame is coming from not placing enough of my trust and faith in God. Yes, I trust the Lord and have a great deal of faith, but I have never turned my relationships over to him to handle. Right now, I sit back and think Okay God, I have been running around this issue for so long now and the answer has been right in front of my face. I need to give this to you. Take my relationships and their issues and do with it what you will. Help me stop taking the blame for these issues and fighting for what might not be meant to be anymore. These relationships are now in your hands and if you will them to go, I will let them go.
In the end, it is easy for those of us who are depressed to get onto this one way endless track of blame. We do have to work on overcoming the blame. In reality, it’s not all our fault. We are victims of our illness and the blame is taking us down further. Let’s work on taking our issues where we place blame on ourselves and giving them to God. If they are meant to be, he will let them be. If they are not meant to be, he will destroy them. God is protecting us in our vulnerability and, dear readers and followers, we have to stop fighting and let him protect us.