Save My Life

This song is the anthem of my life right now.  I have officially hit rock bottom in my personal relationships.  With both parents being gone, my siblings not getting along with me, and now losing close personal friends, I have literally no one but God, my sister, and my brother in law to turn to right now.  Yup, that’s it.  Three people.

This weekend I probably said goodbye to a close friend of mine.  And I said goodbye to another close friend of mine this summer.  This seems to be the trend in my life since my father passed away this spring.  I don’t know if I am too draining or if I am just expecting too much from people.  But, I am sure losing a lot of people this year.  I don’t know who to turn to anymore.  I don’t know who’s shoulder to cry on and who to go to when I need advice.  Lately, I have just been going straight to God.  God does provide a lot of comfort and love for me, but sometimes it would be nice to have an actual human to talk to.  Sure, I have my students, but I can’t talk life with them.  I can’t talk about what really matters and how I am feeling.  I just don’t know what I am doing wrong.  I honestly don’t.  I feel left alone in this world and uncared for.  Sort of pushed aside and like my grieving and healing doesn’t matter to anyone.  Yes, that does hurt.  A lot actually.  I wish I had my parents to talk to right now about this, but I don’t.  So, I am putting it out here in cyberspace for everyone to read (dumb idea…I know).  As this songs says, I wish someone could look me in the eyes and see my pain.  I wish they could tell me what I need to hear and remind me that I am not forgotten.  I wish they could say something that would save my life.  God has reminded me that I am his beautiful daughter and meant for great things.  That someday I might be married and finally have a family and love of my own.  I just have to wait.  And just to make it clear, no, I am not thinking about ending my life.  I am far past that stage in my healing. I just need a human to come along and remind me what this is all about.  Remind me of who I am, what I mean to the world, and that they love me.  Who knows, maybe a stranger just might come and say something that is just what I need to hear.


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