Ashamed


Today, someone asked me what the name of my blog was.  I didn’t want to tell them.  I was ashamed of my feelings.  Ashamed that they would read all about my experiences through grief and find out who I really am (a sad girl who misses her parents).  Ashamed that 10 years after my mother’s death and six months after my father’s death I am still grieving and have managed to get myself into a depressive state.  People I work with don’t know how bad I got.  I wear a mask every day and take it off when I get home.  I am a facade of happiness.  I am ashamed of my feelings.

My question to myself is: why am I ashamed of this?  Grief is normal.  It is normal to grieve this long (and longer) after losing a close loved one.  Heck, these were my parents.  They made me.  They raised me.  I was their little girl.  I was shaped by them and carry characteristics of them.  Isn’t it normal to be sad after losing them?  Yes.  Yes, it is.

I try to show everyone how strong I am.  They all think I am strong, when really I am dying inside wishing like a little girl that I could run to my parents and hug them another time.  Wishing I could get a kiss on my cheek or forehead from them.  Wishing I could hear their comforting voices.  But, I won’t.  They are gone.  I shouldn’t be ashamed of my grief.  I shouldn’t be afraid to admit that I am still grieving.  Grieving is normal.  But, if it is as normal as I say it is, why I am ashamed of it?

If you are ashamed of your grief and hide it just like I do, let’s try to work on working through these feelings.  Maybe we need to take off our mask and show our true feelings.  Maybe we need someone to tell us that it is okay to cry, miss someone, and grieve.  We shouldn’t be ashamed to grieve.  We shouldn’t have to hide our grieving.

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