I Can Remember Everything


When someone you love dies, you can recall everything about the day and the moment it happened.  I remember exactly what I was doing and wearing when my parents died.  I remember seeing my mother’s lifeless body laying in bed.  I remember seeing them try to revive her as they looked at me with a pained emotion on their face.  They knew she was dead, but no one wanted to tell a scared and horrified 15 year old that.  I remember the exact words my sister said as she called me at work to let me know that my father passed away.  I remember my response.  I remember for the first time in my life saying the F word.  Yes, that’s right.  I said, “Fuck.  Son of a bitch.  Are you serious?”  Then I stared at the calendar on my classroom wall as she told me that he was cold already and there was no use in doing CPR.  That he had been dead for some time.

These moments are forever etched into my brain and I relive them through nightmares.  It was these nightmares that made me scared to sleep.  After a week of hardly any sleep, my doctor put me on some sleeping pills.  Now the nightmares aren’t so bad, but they are still there.  The feeling of my father’s cold body as he laid in a casket still haunts me.  The memory of holding my mother’s stiff hand also haunts.  These memories are forever with me.  They haunt me and linger as a bad memory.

I do not like to remember my parents as this.  They were very kind, caring, and generous people.  Their deaths may be etched into my memory and may haunt me from time to time, but I must carry on their memory through my actions.  I must strive to be like them because as people they were truly wonderful.  They were angels and are now watching over me.


8 thoughts on “I Can Remember Everything

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  1. Chills run up my spine as I read this. IT brought me back to the day my brother had killed himself, and I can recall everything like it happened yesterday.

    I’m sorry for your loss, because I’m sure losing your parents must be difficult.

      1. Taking it day by day is all you can do. And I’m sure you’ve had plenty of people tell you things will get easier, but it’s okay, if it doesn’t.

      2. Absolutely! I feel as if it doesn’t really get easier. That you just learn to live and cope with it. I am definitely a much different person since I lost my father. It seems like I am just getting used to a new “normal.” It is certainly okay if it doesn’t get easier. Thanks again for your comments and reading my post!

      3. I am at the over 2 years mark of my husband’s passing and I’d have to agree that it’s not getting any easier, I’m just getting better at coping, faking it and learning to live with it. The new “normal” is a shitty place to be.

        Like you I remember the day so very clearly. I can’t tell you what I did two days ago, but the day of my husband’s death I can recall everything – what we did, what was said and that god awful knock on our door that night.

      4. I agree that the new “normal” is pretty crappy and very difficult. Like you, I can’t remember what I did even an hour ago. Or even focus on much of anything. We must remember that it is okay to grieve, we are stronger than we feel, and we can learn to make it through taking it day by day or even second by second. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you much love and support via the internet! ❤

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