Anger Stages


Nearly everyone has heard about the stages of grief.  And everyone who has gone through grief knows that those stages do not go in order.  You progress in them, then go back a few.  It’s a constant rollercoaster.  I saw this picture today and it pretty much sums up my progress through the stages of grief:

grief

Today, I am going to focus on my progress through the anger stage of grief.  Let me tell you, this stage is VERY real.  Ever thought you could be angry with God?  Well, you can be.  I remember admitting to my family, as we planned my father’s funeral, that I was VERY angry with God.  I was angry with him because he took away, not just my father, but both my parents.  I was angry that he left me as a 25-year-old orphan and with nobody on this earth that cares about me.  I was angry that he knows about my loneliness, yet he still took my father from me.  After a few days of healing and feeling God’s comfort, I got over being angry with him.  I then became VERY angry with my friends and the world around me.  I was bitter with everything.  I fought with everyone because they “just didn’t understand what it was like to lose a parent.  To lose someone you love so much.”  Or I fought with them because they said, “It will be okay.”  When I know for a fact that it WILL NOT be okay.  I lost my father.  Not a dog.  He was MY FATHER.  The man that made me.  The man that raised me.  The man that loved me and called me his “little girl/little darling.”  The man who referred to himself as the “papa” to me.  They don’t get how I missed his weekly phone calls.  How I missed how he cheered me up.  How I missed our conversations.  I was angry.  VERY angry.  This anger prompted my doctor and therapist to medicate my grief.  To put me on depression medicine.  They were afraid of what I would do to myself in my anger.  Afraid that I would actually take that knife to my wrist as I wanted to.  Afraid that I would “do something dumb in my anger” when I have so much to live for.  When I have apparently accomplished so much.  Yet, was so alone.  They had good reason to medicate me because I probably would have used that knife.  I would have to say that the anger stage is the worst stage of grief.  It affects your relationships.  It ruined A LOT of mine.  Those people didn’t get that my anger was coming from my grief.  From the war in my head and heart.  They took it personally when they shouldn’t have.  When they should have understood.

If you are experiencing grief, know that no one progresses through the “stages of grief” in order, or in the same way.  It also takes a LONG time to get through all the stages.  Heck, I am still going through them.  The stages are normal.  It’s normal.  The anger stage is normal.  It’s okay to be angry with God when you are grieving.  Everyone does it.  Just come back to his presence after the anger because he will provide you with the comfort and love you need and desire.

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5 thoughts on “Anger Stages

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  1. Very well said. There is a void in me left by my father’s passing that will never be filled, and people look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them I don’t want that pain to go away. Yes, over time the pain has stopped taking up so much of my life. But it will never fully go away and that’s okay, because real loss means real pain.

    I’m sorry for your loss. And I just wanted to tell you, in case no one else has, that it is totally okay to be angry with God. I think anyone with both faith and reason has been angry at God at some point, and He is big enough to handle your anger.

  2. I truly understand your anger, for I have the same. Only I was angry with God and everyone else for so long because God took away my best friend my husband of 36 yrs. Overtime I stopped being angry with God cause I now understand he took him to take away all the pain and suffering he was going through due to Cancer and it’s complications. But after 5 yrs. I still want him back.

    I still have anger with people because they are happy and I am not, they still have that one person they love more then life and I don’t, they have friends and family and I don’t. I don’t know how to stop this anger, after 5 yrs. it still as strong as the day my loving husband passed. I still cry a lot.

    I’m alone and must admit I’ve done this to myself. I’ve isolated myself from the world by not allowing myself to get close to any one. I don’t want to feel that pain. So I keep to myself going through each day hoping it passes quickly just to get through the next day. I even gone as far as shutting down my Facebook account giving up the friends I’ve made there just so the world could leave me alone. Sad but I don’t think anyone missed me.

    So as I said I understand, cause for me my grief continues. Going in and out and through the stages as life goes on. I don’t know how to change it and not sure I want to. Because my anger of losing my husband still goes on.

    1. Hello there! I completely understand your anger. I too shut down my Facebook and twitter accounts. I wanted nothing to do with people. I only just got back on Facebook because I have to teach the safety of Facebook to my college students. I have a very restricted page and blocked everyone I didn’t want to hear from.

      I am a firm believer that grief will never go away. We will ALWAYS miss them. Just the other day, I had a meltdown and got angry because I wished I could talk to my mom, who has been gone for 11 years now. People don’t understand grief. A lot of them run from it.

      Yes, grief never goes away, but we have to force ourselves to get back out there and into the world. To create for us a life they would want us to have. My mom and dad would’t want me to be depressed for the rest of my life. They would want me to create a beautiful life where everything I do is in their memory and, in a way, an extension of them. My actions through my kindness, laughter, generosity is their way of continuing in this world because it was what they gave to me. It was who they were.

      Sadly, this anger will continue to exist. It is not something that will go away, as it will pop up every now and then. But, we have to learn to cope and find some happiness in the memories of the ones we loved.

      I want to challenge you to do something. I want you to try going somewhere beautiful. It may be a park, a river at sunset, a mountain peak, a place that holds a good memory, etc. While in this place, reflect on it’s beauty. What makes it beautiful to you? Why do you love that place so much? Then, it will come to you. You will begin thinking how your husband would love this place as well. And truly, you will feel like he is there with you. You will feel yourself smile at the memory of him. The anger will subside for that moment because you are focusing on the beauty of life and your husband. This may or may not work for you, but it’s worth a try. I drive out to the mountains and go for a long hike to reach the top. I sit there forever just thinking about it’s beauty. Then I smile and think about how my parents would have loved to see it. And it’s odd, but then I almost feel them there with me. I feel closer to them in that spot. I feel like that even though they are gone, the beauty of them resides in the beauty of life.

      I hope that makes some sense. I was rambling for some time! 🙂

      XOXO

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