Today’s post was inspired by reading extraordinarily normal’s latest blog posting about family being a complicated concept for her. (You can find that blog post here- The word family, it’s so very complicated to me. But I’m not giving up on it.) This blog post really hit home for me.
Since my parents have passed away, I haven’t had contact with much of my family. Actually, I don’t get along with them anymore. My siblings aren’t very nice people. I haven’t heard from them for months. I really no longer call them my “family.” The only one I talk to still is my one sister that moved home to take care of me after my mother passed away. She’s been my best friend since and will always be my best friend.
As extraordinarily normal discussed in her blog, family is a foreign concept to me. I am not sure if family is blood, or if family is friends. I no longer have any close friends and my blood family (besides my one sister) deserted me. So, what is family? I always cry when I think about this. My therapist and I spent many sessions devoted to this concept because it bothers me so much. He told me that I will be this way until I get married and have kids. Basically, make my own blood family. I suppose he is right, but as a 25-year-old single woman with no dating life/prospects, that thought really hurts me as I would have to wait years for that.
I have quickly noticed that when I am around happy families, I get bothered and angry. I get angry because I don’t have what they have. I get bothered because the idea of a happy family is just so foreign to me. I don’t understand it. Recently, I have had someone tell me that they have felt that I “held the fact that they had a family and I didn’t over their head.” This statement REALLY bothered me and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have NO idea what that statement means. I get that other people have families, but I don’t get how I can hold that over someone’s head. Like what? I am so confused and hurt by that statement, so if someone can clarify what it means to me, that would be great. It’s not like I have a choice to not have a family. Believe me, if I could have a family, I would. My siblings just don’t treat me with respect. In a way, I have been verbally abused by them. So, like I said, if someone could clarify that one statement for me, that would be great.
In the end, what is family? Friends…blood relatives? I don’t quite know. In trying to form my own family, I find myself constantly failing. I now have only 2 people in my life that I am close to. I feel alone and worthless because no one wants me in their “family.” I have begun to think that families are just overrated. That I have gone 6 months without one now and can go forever without one. Does anyone out their have this same issue? I don’t try to beat up on the “normal/happy family” concept. I just don’t understand what that is like.
*extraordinary normal- if you are reading this, thank you for letting me reference your blog! Keep up the great work! 🙂