For some reason, today has been very difficult for me. The case of the “weeps” are back.
I am a Catholic, so I made myself get out of bed and go to the noon mass at a neighboring town. All during mass, I held back tears. I tried not to cry. For some reason, I wanted to cry. It wasn’t until later into mass that I figured out why. The Knights of Columbus were all there in their attire, as were the Catholic Daughters of America. My father was a Knight of Columbus. Every Christmas, my mother would pack us all up and haul us the the midnight mass where my father would be one of the men dressed up in the Knights of Columbus attire and helping out during the mass. So, I thought about my father for most of the mass and how much I miss him. I prayed to God to heal my broken heart and hold back my tears so that I wouldn’t start crying in the middle of mass. To give me some comfort so I could make it through.
I don’t remember much about my mother anymore, but my father is fresh in my mind. I often think about the two of them and wonder what it would be like in heaven with them. Wonder if they are watching me from above and if they can feel me thinking about them. The thought of them feeling me thinking about them warms my soul a bit. I am not sure how I feel about the saying that “you’re loved ones never leave because they are always with you in spirit.” I don’t know about that. You see, my parents seem so far away. They don’t feel like they are right behind me in spirit. My therapist asked me why. My only answer to this was “They are in heaven. Heaven isn’t on this earth. They aren’t with me. They are somewhere else. That somewhere else is heaven.” It is hard for me to grasp the concept that they could be here with me in spirit. But, heaven feels so far away and I feel like any communication with them is limited, if not impossible.
So, I often send some thoughts up to heaven for my parents hoping they will/can hear them and I sit here and wonder if they can feel my thoughts.