There have been some things wracking my brain for about a month and I just have to get it out. These thoughts have been dragging me down. They have been making me exhausted to the point of where I don’t exercise anymore (besides coaching volleyball), not caring about what I eat (I was getting back to eating healthy after months of not caring), not attempting to do any graduate work, and stuck in the “worthless” and “unworthy of love” stages. Since I see my therapist about once every two months now, this blog has been my journal and source of getting my “bad” and “depression” thoughts out, so here we go….This is what I have been needing to write.
I know the person this is about will probably read this and I just want to apologize to them in advance. But, this is what I need to do to help myself. I need to put this out there. So sorry.
About a month ago, I had a friend come and visit me. I haven’t seen this friend for about a year as they were overseas working (and were there when my father died). We were what you would classify as best friends. Email and talk every single day. Then my father died and things changed. No more emails. I was broken, so I wasn’t able to be the instigator of the communication. We started arguing, but she always told me that she would come back to me. Well, the weekend she came was awkward. Not kidding you when I tell you that from the time she spent with me from Friday to Sunday about 20-30 words were said between us. No form of communication was there. I felt ignored, not cared about, and unloved. I felt like my grief and pain meant nothing to her. I felt like she didn’t understand. We ended up talking a bit before she left and I cried as I explained how I felt. Then she left.
Later that night, I got a long email from her telling her that we were done. We were done because we have both changed so much over the past year, I said some hurtful things to her during my grief, she felt like I ignored her all weekend, and she saw how much pain she caused me over the course of this weekend. I cried as I read the email. I felt like all blame was placed on me. I wasn’t ignoring her, or meaning to ignore her. I was broken.
The major thing I want to clarify is that the quietness from me wasn’t caused by her. The quietness and unwillingness to talk was caused by the pain from the grief of losing my father. That was broken me. She thought it was from her, but no….it was normal me. It was grieving me. The pain she saw wasn’t her fault. It was my depression and the pain of missing my parents. It was who I now am.
With all of this now out in the open, I just want to say that I really don’t get what happened between us. How best friends who talk every day can go to enemies just like that. How the death of a loved one and grief of one friend can just rip apart the relationship. Like I said before, I feel so unworthy of love now. God has been helping me get through this, but there is still a sense of not understanding it. A sense that wants to understand it. A sense that doesn’t want the blame to be placed on me when I already am so hurt and depressed from missing my parents. I don’t understand how a person can treat a person like that. I suppose that is the wrong thing to say, but I need to say it. If she were grieving, I would have been right there beside her, hugging her, and holding her as she cried. Things would have been different. I suppose it might be because of one not being able to see things from the other’s perspective, but I don’t know. I am so hurt and have been hurt by what happened. I thought I had someone who would always be there with me through the good and the bad, but it turns out that it may have been a one-sided relationship. I am not sure.
Okay, now I have gotten this out of me. I will try to stop thinking about it and feeling the pain caused by it, but I really can’t promise anything. Right now I am just thinking that people are scum and I almost don’t want to be among them anymore. That I am looking forward to the day that Jesus comes to take me home with him so that I won’t experience this horrible pain anymore. I know my days are numbered and that he will come for me soon and I will have eternal happiness after that, but I have to say that this world is really a living hell for me right now. This pain scares me enough to know that this may be what hell is really like. I am truly looking forward to the day where I am united with my loving parents and the Lord, my tears will be wiped away and come no more, and my days will be filled with laughter and music.