This morning, I sat down to complete my morning devotions as my coffee brewed. I read through the devotion page and pulled out my bible to complete the scripture readings that went with it. With a tired brain, I quickly closed my bible and thought: God, I can’t do this today. Forgive me. I don’t have the stamina to complete my devotions and readings. I am exhausted and can’t function. Please, heal my exhaustion and guide me through this day as I can already tell that it is going to be trying for me.
I sat there in my chair and thought about the how robotic and monotonous my life and days have become. I wake up, brew my coffee, do my devotions, go to work, follow my schedule, go to volleyball practice, and then go home and rest all night as I am always exhausted. I got to thinking about how this monotonous life is probably not good for me, but it is helping with my survival right now. The robotic and automatic functioning is allowing me to survive each day as I journey through my grief and depression.
Monotony might be the answer to survival during grief and depression, but is it the right thing to do? I feel that I become a zombie through my monotonous day. But, if anything new were thrown at me right now, I am not so sure that I could do it. As my therapist told me, change is not a good thing for me. I should make no big changes in my life right now. Another thought is: is the monotony making me tired? Is it wearing me away? Should I be adding little changes throughout my days? The answer to this is something I don’t know yet. I am still in survival mode. Maybe, once I feel ready for a little change, I can break up the monotony. As of now, I am sort of okay with the monotony as it is my answer to survival.