The other day, I read the post Positive Affirmations, Really? on America’s Funniest Home Yoga Practice’s blog. This post discussed how to use positive affirmations with yourself. I loved the author’s idea of writing all the negative things and the opposite of them. After this, you throw away the negatives and only repeat the positive ones to yourself.
As I read this post, I thought about how badly I needed to do this. I have also looked through the Love Me and Spell Your Grief challenges. I thought about doing some of those as well. I then realized how hard it would be for me to do those. Smile in the mirror? Why smile in the mirror when I can’t even look at my face in the mirror? Looking at my face would mean facing who I have become through my depression and grief. That is just not a comforting thought to me right now.
This morning I thought about the positive affirmation thing as I avoided looking in the mirror to observe my sadness. I tried to make one positive affirmation about myself. Nothing came. Instead, my head told me, you are fat/ugly, you are not enough, nobody loves you, nobody will love you, you are not worthy of love, nobody notices you, you are a horrible person, you have no point of being here. These thoughts flowed endless through my head. My principal stopped me in the hall this morning and was like, “You like sad. What’s wrong?” Those thoughts were what was wrong, but I lied and told her I was tired. She doesn’t need to know about the war in my head.
In the end, this positive affirmation thing may be the right thing I need to do in order to increase my self-worth again. But, I think that in order for me to believe it, I need people to tell me them. I need to hear them. Otherwise, it is like I am lying to myself. Telling myself positive things, when I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and see the sad/depressed person my grief has made me become.