My sense of self-confidence has taken a major blow since my father passed away. I am not only sitting here still questioning who I am and what my identity/purpose is, but I am sitting in a state of self-loathing. My body image and view of myself as a person has turned sour. I can honestly say that I hate myself and who I am. I wish I could scratch away at my skin and rip out all these new insecurities that run through me. Insecurities I have never dealt with before because I was always confident. Now, I am not.
Exercise used to be my thing. Running. Running was my jam. I had no problem squeezing in at least a 45 minute run every day. Then my father passed away in March. I haven’t put on a pair of running shoes since. Now, I am out of shape. Way out of shape. I have no energy to workout and get mad at myself because I have put on some weight. The first anti-depressant the doctor put me on was one that increased my appetite. It was to make me eat because I wouldn’t. I refused to. I saw no point in eating. The pills worked….too much. I was CONSTANTLY hungry. Nothing filled me up or satisfied my hunger. 25 pounds later, I saw a problem and complained to my doctor because I worked hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The doctor then put me on a different anti-depressant. This one does not increase my appetite, so that is much better. But, I still don’t have energy. I can’t bring myself to lace up the running shoes when I get home from a full day of work and practice. I get angry because clothes in my closet don’t fit like they used to and I am resorting to wearing what used to be baggy on me, but now fits. Every morning I get angry with myself as I slip into my clothes. I hate myself for not staying healthy. I blame myself for this. I have to realize that the slip in my health wasn’t my fault. It was the medication. It was my grief. It was my way of surviving. I just need to somehow find the energy to get back into enjoying working out. I think with some more time, I may get there. But, as of right now, I am just stuck in a bad self-loathing phase.