My sense of self-confidence has taken a major blow since my father passed away.  I am not only sitting here still questioning who I am and what my identity/purpose is, but I am sitting in a state of self-loathing.  My body image and view of myself as a person has turned sour.  I can honestly say that I hate myself and who I am.  I wish I could scratch away at my skin and rip out all these new insecurities that run through me.  Insecurities I have never dealt with before because I was always confident.  Now, I am not.

Exercise used to be my thing.  Running.  Running was my jam.  I had no problem squeezing in at least a 45 minute run every day.  Then my father passed away in March.  I haven’t put on a pair of running shoes since.  Now, I am out of shape.  Way out of shape.  I have no energy to workout and get mad at myself because I have put on some weight.  The first anti-depressant the doctor put me on was one that increased my appetite.  It was to make me eat because I wouldn’t.  I refused to.  I saw no point in eating.  The pills worked….too much.  I was CONSTANTLY hungry.  Nothing filled me up or satisfied my hunger.  25 pounds later, I saw a problem and complained to my doctor because I worked hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  The doctor then put me on a different anti-depressant.  This one does not increase my appetite, so that is much better.  But, I still don’t have energy.  I can’t bring myself to lace up the running shoes when I get home from a full day of work and practice.  I get angry because clothes in my closet don’t fit like they used to and I am resorting to wearing what used to be baggy on me, but now fits.  Every morning I get angry with myself as I slip into my clothes.  I hate myself for not staying healthy.  I blame myself for this.  I have to realize that the slip in my health wasn’t my fault.  It was the medication.  It was my grief.  It was my way of surviving.  I just need to somehow find the energy to get back into enjoying working out.  I think with some more time, I may get there.  But, as of right now, I am just stuck in a bad self-loathing phase.


One thought on “Self-Loathing

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  1. Everyone keeps telling me to at least try to walk or join a gym or be active in some small way. They tell me it will give me energy and will make me feel better. I’m starting to believe them. It seems so hard to start when you feel like such crap though, I agree.

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