Mirror, Mirror on the Wall


Woman Looking at Reflection --- Image by © Elisa Lazo de Valdez/Corbis
Woman Looking at Reflection — Image by © Elisa Lazo de Valdez/Corbis

This morning as I was putting on my makeup, I decided to take a step back and stop avoiding my reflection (as I have been since my father died).  I truly looked myself in the eyes and it was painful.  I saw the extra 25 pounds I put on.  I saw the version of a worn down and extremely tired woman.  I noticed that I looked sad.  I looked hurt.  I looked like I have felt a life time of pain in a course of only a matter of months.  I took notice of my posture.  I used to walk with confidence (shoulders back and straight).  In the mirror, I was slouched over.  I looked depressed.  How people think I am okay, I have no idea.  Because I saw depression written all over me.  This image made myself even sadder.  I wanted to tell myself, “We can get over this.  We just have to make some changes.”  But, what changes do you make when your life has already changed in a major way?  So, I didn’t tell myself that.  I just went back to applying makeup and suppressing these thoughts as I thought I have therapy next week.  I will talk to my therapist about this.  Who knows, maybe he will have the answer on how to fix the vision I saw of myself.

The mirror on the wall doesn’t lie. It tells me that there is a problem with me.  A problem that needs to be worked out.  I know that I am in grief and depression, but the thought lingering in my head is When does that vision change?  When do I become happy again?  I know that losing my parents is a very hard thing and that I am going through some hard moments right now.  I try to remind myself that I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I have been through A LOT lately and I am surviving.  Isn’t that alone a sign of strength?  In my eyes, it is.  But, in society’s eyes, it is not.  I am supposed to be the happy teacher that fixes the problems.  In reality, I can’t be that person right now.  I just can’t be.  The mirror doesn’t lie.

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14 thoughts on “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

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  1. Happy is an unrealistic goal. How does one even define happy? It’s something from the movies, not real life. How about trying to be ok? It’s normal to have other emotions. It’s normal to have ups and downs. If life was always up and never down we wouldn’t appreciate the special moments.
    The mirror may not lie but it also doesn’t speak. Throw off those negative words and thoughts. You’re only hurting yourself with your critical words. If it helps, talk in third person. You’ll be less critical and rude. Would you tell your best friend all of those things? Probably not.
    The world tries to tear us down every day and there isn’t much we can do to prevent it. Why make it worse by abusing yourself too?

    1. Thank you for this comment! It is exactly what I need to hear right now. I am being way too hard on myself and in a way abusing myself. I need to remind myself that I have come this far. That it isn’t about what society says. It is about building myself up and being the person I am meant to be. It is okay for me to grieve, but it isn’t okay to for me to abuse myself because I am not over my grief yet. Thank you for this reminder!

  2. I know how depression feels like, and I also know that you don’t need a therapist to get over it,but a friend,so even though we are total strangers,but I am here. Yeah it’s true that alot of people will say this for you, but I am here for you to talk about life,and happiness and love,and fashion and food and our fav songs,and our fav movies,and our stupid yet funny stories…..xx

      1. I am really busy with working full time, coaching, and writing my thesis for my masters. So, I really don’t have time for TV. But, when I do it is usually on Law & Order, some Lifetime drama, Friends, or the Big Bang Theory. How about you?

      2. Oh I have two jobs so I just miss the old days, when I could easily watch any TV show and don’t have to worry about anything, I watch Devious Maids,

      3. Lol,,,,mine were Chandler and Monica,,,especially Chandler…..we should all have a friend like that,no day would be a boring day again then.

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