This morning as I was putting on my makeup, I decided to take a step back and stop avoiding my reflection (as I have been since my father died). I truly looked myself in the eyes and it was painful. I saw the extra 25 pounds I put on. I saw the version of a worn down and extremely tired woman. I noticed that I looked sad. I looked hurt. I looked like I have felt a life time of pain in a course of only a matter of months. I took notice of my posture. I used to walk with confidence (shoulders back and straight). In the mirror, I was slouched over. I looked depressed. How people think I am okay, I have no idea. Because I saw depression written all over me. This image made myself even sadder. I wanted to tell myself, “We can get over this. We just have to make some changes.” But, what changes do you make when your life has already changed in a major way? So, I didn’t tell myself that. I just went back to applying makeup and suppressing these thoughts as I thought I have therapy next week. I will talk to my therapist about this. Who knows, maybe he will have the answer on how to fix the vision I saw of myself.
The mirror on the wall doesn’t lie. It tells me that there is a problem with me. A problem that needs to be worked out. I know that I am in grief and depression, but the thought lingering in my head is When does that vision change? When do I become happy again? I know that losing my parents is a very hard thing and that I am going through some hard moments right now. I try to remind myself that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I have been through A LOT lately and I am surviving. Isn’t that alone a sign of strength? In my eyes, it is. But, in society’s eyes, it is not. I am supposed to be the happy teacher that fixes the problems. In reality, I can’t be that person right now. I just can’t be. The mirror doesn’t lie.