For some reason, this week has been horribly difficult for me. Frustrations at work, not having enough time to even sit down and think, constantly running, and the appearance of another nightmare has made me incredibly emotional.
Last night, I had another nightmare. In this one, my mother appeared and told me I was adopted. Then she went away in my dream and my sister appeared. I asked my sister if this was true and why my parents didn’t tell me until now. My sister said it was true and I asked her if she had a picture of my real parents. My sister then showed me a picture of two people. Before I could make them out, I woke up. Now, this is absolutely not true. My mother and father have told me my birth story. And my sister told me all about how she remembered seeing me for the first time in the hospital. I have also seen pictures of my mother very pregnant with me and I look like a mix of my parents. Totally not adopted. Where this dream came from, I have no idea. The way I interpret it is a longing to have a family. My wanting to be part of a family. To be part of love. Maybe my mother was giving me a sign that some day I will have a new family and she is okay with that. I don’t really know. Anyways…onto other things.
My frustration and these dreams, led me to be very emotional. I ended up crying (actually wailing/bawling) for the entire hour and a half drive to my sister’s house this evening. Today is a day where I REALLY miss both of my parents because I want to talk to them about these issues I am having. I craved a friend to call and just talk to. Someone to call me up and just invite me out, but alas…my phone remains silent and I have absolutely no friends to call and just talk to. This fact made me worse. I cried harder as I longed and prayed for at least one true friend on this earth. Now, I know my sister is a friend to me, but sometimes someone who is not family would be nice to have around. Anyways, I prayed really hard for God to give me a friend. One who would care about me and love me. One who could comfort me in my extreme sadness.
I know my depression is back hardcore. If I couldn’t tell from the 10+ hours of sleep I am getting a night and still being tired the next day, I could tell from the thinking about getting in a car accident so I could die on my way to my sister’s tonight. Thinking that it could all be over…just like that. Then, I remembered that God has a bigger plan for me and it is not my time yet. That I have to keep on fighting and surviving, as much as I may not want to. Let’s just say that I am glad I have therapy Friday afternoon and hope my therapist knows that I will be crying in front of him for the whole hour because that is exactly what happened to me as I talked to my brother-in-law tonight. I am in some extreme need of some counseling. I just have no idea where to go from here and feel lost…..broken……hopeless.