Breaking Point

For some reason, this week has been horribly difficult for me.  Frustrations at work, not having enough time to even sit down and think, constantly running, and the appearance of another nightmare has made me incredibly emotional.

Last night, I had another nightmare.  In this one, my mother appeared and told me I was adopted.  Then she went away in my dream and my sister appeared.  I asked my sister if this was true and why my parents didn’t tell me until now.  My sister said it was true and I asked her if she had a picture of my real parents.  My sister then showed me a picture of two people.  Before I could make them out, I woke up.  Now, this is absolutely not true.  My mother and father have told me my birth story.  And my sister told me all about how she remembered seeing me for the first time in the hospital.  I have also seen pictures of my mother very pregnant with me and I look like a mix of my parents.  Totally not adopted.  Where this dream came from, I have no idea.  The way I interpret it is a longing to have a family.  My wanting to be part of a family.  To be part of love.  Maybe my mother was giving me a sign that some day I will have a new family and she is okay with that.  I don’t really know.  Anyways…onto other things.

My frustration and these dreams, led me to be very emotional.  I ended up crying (actually wailing/bawling) for the entire hour and a half drive to my sister’s house this evening.  Today is a day where I REALLY miss both of my parents because I want to talk to them about these issues I am having.  I craved a friend to call and just talk to.  Someone to call me up and just invite me out, but alas…my phone remains silent and I have absolutely no friends to call and just talk to.  This fact made me worse.  I cried harder as I longed and prayed for at least one true friend on this earth.  Now, I know my sister is a friend to me, but sometimes someone who is not family would be nice to have around.  Anyways, I prayed really hard for God to give me a friend.  One who would care about me and love me.  One who could comfort me in my extreme sadness.

I know my depression is back hardcore.  If I couldn’t tell from the 10+ hours of sleep I am getting a night and still being tired the next day, I could tell from the thinking about getting in a car accident so I could die on my way to my sister’s tonight.  Thinking that it could all be over…just like that.  Then, I remembered that God has a bigger plan for me and it is not my time yet.  That I have to keep on fighting and surviving, as much as I may not want to.  Let’s just say that I am glad I have therapy Friday afternoon and hope my therapist knows that I will be crying in front of him for the whole hour because that is exactly what happened to me as I talked to my brother-in-law tonight.  I am in some extreme need of some counseling.  I just have no idea where to go from here and feel lost…..broken……hopeless.


10 thoughts on “Breaking Point

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  1. Finding a way to let the stress out, is extremely important. I have found that I really enjoy just walking…granted, the weather here is rainy right now, but I walk nonetheless. I don’t know what you enjoy, but finding something to simply let the thoughts run through you, without having a solution or a need to solve them by actually doing something else has a therapeutic way of diverting your mind to other tasks.

    I’m not sure if it will help, but maybe it will.

    1. This helps a lot! Thank you! Always willing to take advice! 🙂 I did want to go out for a long walk with my sister’s dog last night just to get it out of me, but I ended up talking to my brother-in-law about it and falling asleep on their couch afterwards. But, her dog is definitely a good therapy for me as well! Sometimes walking in the rain is more refreshing than walking in the sun. I like the smell of rain though. It reminds me of the farm I grew up on.

      1. Rain is my favorite weather, actually, but the temperature is really cold today too. I might still go walk, now that we’re discussing it… 🙂

      2. Ha! I just finished a latte and have the window open looking out right now. Now, I am wanting to go walk.

  2. Sorry you are going thru such a hard time. I don’t know if you have tried this or not, but think about joining a “small group” at a local church. Even if you aren’t a member. I have friends who have gotten best friend out of small groups. Just a thought.
    I will pray for you.
    A car accident is my way out, too. I drive a lot for work, when I get down, all I can think about is driving it off the road. I have been told that if I ever think about doing it again to go straight to the emergency room.
    I will pray for you.

  3. Sending you hugs! I know this feeling all to well. You are right – God does have plans for you and I remind myself of that too on a daily basis. I was also going to suggest a small group or a grief share group. It’s been recommended to me as well, but I haven’t gone that far yet – just with a therapist like you at this point. But I do intend to. Wish we could make our own small group!

    1. Also, thank you for support! Maybe we could start our own small group via email or something! I am from a small area and my therapist and I have been looking for people who have lost parents just to talk about the grief process and how it is going. Maybe that could happen virtually? Not sure.

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