If you have been following my blog for some time, you will know that I had a MAJOR breakdown last week. This all led me to be put back into weekly or bi-weekly therapy sessions (as some suicidal thoughts are back). Only one of the triggers to this episode is that I am so freaking lonely and don’t have any real friends, as they have all left me in my grief and depression. Sometimes, I just need to talk to someone. Thank you to all the bloggers out there who have personally been emailing and talking to me. Thank you for helping me see that I do matter to this world.
Among all of this, I have been thinking about what a friend would be. I have been taking the blame for all of these failed relationships and thinking, “If I just didn’t grieve this long and manage to go into depression, they would still love me. It’s all my fault they left me.” I sobbed on my sister’s couch as I talked to my brother-in-law about this blame taking. He put it into a good perspective for me. He asked me who I was taking the blame against. I told him the two people in my life that were my best friends. He then asked me why I thought they left. I answered that question. He asked the opposite. He asked what I wanted after my father died. My response: Love and comfort from others. He asked who had been able to provide that for me after my father died. I quickly answered him and my sister. He asked if they have ever, ever treated me like the two people I was questioning. I quickly knew that answer…no. No, they haven’t. They understood my story and background and held me when I needed to be held while I sobbed. He then stated that I needed to cut all people out of my life that aren’t like the people who were truly there for me during the worst moments in my life.
After this conversation, I knew what a true friend was. It is someone who, despite not understanding your situation, can go beyond their own emotions to be there for you when you are truly hurting. They don’t abandon you amidst the worst pain you have ever experienced in your life. They just don’t walk away. Plain and simple, isn’t it? A friend does not walk away when the other is having the most difficult time in their life. They don’t abandon.