I Can’t Delete Your Number

I was scrolling through my phone and came to your number.  You are still the first under my favorites and I have several voice mails from you saved for memories.  The word Dad stares at me as I long to push call.  Thinking that in some miracle way the call button would connect me to heaven.  Maybe, just maybe, Jesus would answer it and I could say, “Is my dad there?”  Maybe, he would respond, “Yes, hold on one second.  I will get him for you.”  Then we could talk about life.  The conversation I so want to have with you.  The conversation I want to have with you to figure out why everything is falling apart and I just struggle to move on.  The chance to tell you that I love you still and that I miss you every day.

But, alas, that is only a dream.  If I pushed call, I would be connected to an operator telling me that “this number no longer exists.”  A firm reminder that you have passed away and are somewhere else.  I still can’t bring myself to delete your number.  You will always remain the first spot on my favorites list, even though the number no longer exists.  Sure, I get sad seeing your name on my phone, but there is just some comfort there as well.  Maybe it reminds me that someday I will be able to see you again and have the conversations I so long to have with you.  Until then, your number will remain on my phone.


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