I was scrolling through my phone and came to your number. You are still the first under my favorites and I have several voice mails from you saved for memories. The word Dad stares at me as I long to push call. Thinking that in some miracle way the call button would connect me to heaven. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus would answer it and I could say, “Is my dad there?” Maybe, he would respond, “Yes, hold on one second. I will get him for you.” Then we could talk about life. The conversation I so want to have with you. The conversation I want to have with you to figure out why everything is falling apart and I just struggle to move on. The chance to tell you that I love you still and that I miss you every day.
But, alas, that is only a dream. If I pushed call, I would be connected to an operator telling me that “this number no longer exists.” A firm reminder that you have passed away and are somewhere else. I still can’t bring myself to delete your number. You will always remain the first spot on my favorites list, even though the number no longer exists. Sure, I get sad seeing your name on my phone, but there is just some comfort there as well. Maybe it reminds me that someday I will be able to see you again and have the conversations I so long to have with you. Until then, your number will remain on my phone.