I had therapy yesterday and it was a good thing that I had it.
This is why: I was shaving my legs in the shower yesterday morning. While I was going through the motions, a thought came to me. I all of a sudden didn’t care if the razor would have dug deep into my thigh and cut it. I could have passed it off as a “slight mistake.” The razor “just slipped,” right? It by all means was not “self harm” it was “a clumsy mistake.” I started wondering what it would feel like. If there would be much pain, or just a sense of wonderment. I had an urge to just watch blood drip down my leg. To not stop it. Just watch it. Something showing me that I was still alive and had blood flowing through my veins. I then thought, “Why not?” Nobody would care that I did this besides me. Heck, I don’t even care that I would do it. I could start cutting with my razor and just cover it up. The thighs would be the most perfect place. Nobody had to know and nobody had to see it. I had a plan. The perfect plan.
Don’t worry. I didn’t do it…yet. I decided to talk to my therapist about all of this first. It was a problem and I recognized that. I suppose that is a good first step.
My therapist and I did talk about this and my “lack of emotions and caring about myself.” He decided that it was the holidays that sparked this urge to cut in me. That this was my first holiday all alone. That holidays in the past were about love and showing my friends and family that I loved them. It won’t be about that this year as I feel abandoned. We talked about my nightmares that I have been having. These too were apparently sparked by the holidays and my sense of “being abandoned.” He interpreted them all to mean that I am abandoned and feel abandoned with no place to go. Needless to say, I was told that I “need to really watch myself” during the holidays. I was also told that I might have to go and see my doctor, or the psychiatrist at the place I go for therapy, to discuss my depression medication and if there would be one more suitable for me right now.
We talked about my feeling of no stability in my life. That I have no “real home.” We also talked about how I feel that I have gone through a huge “identity change” over the past few months. How I have shed this “young adult” me and turned into a “true adult.” One that is no longer fickle and dumb. One that is smart about starting relationships, reading people, and making adult decisions. One that is more serious. Way more serious. I stated how I need to move and make my “new home.” How my plans are now to move to Tennessee, as I have applied to two graduate programs there. That Tennessee will be my “place of starting over with this new identity.” The place where I start new and more meaningful relationships. The place where I can start my own family. The place where I am no longer hindered by my past. By my family, my past friends, and the painful memories that come with living here. The place where I can be a new me.
We also talked about how I am a “Grinch” this holiday season. How I even loathe going into stores right now and hearing Christmas music. This all has to go with my past memories placed on the holiday season. How it used to be about love, togetherness, and joy. How I am expecting that, but only setting myself up for failure as it will not happen this year.
Additionally, we discussed my master’s degree graduation. He also stated that it would be a great thing for me to walk the ceremony. How that might cause a little joy and sense of “I did this” in me during this season of pain. We also discussed my mother. How I can now freely talk about her and how I have now dealt with her death, after 10 years.
It was a longer than normal therapy session and a lot was discussed. I suppose we will see where I am for the next one. If these feelings of cutting still exist in me.