“I am afraid of living…not dying.” These are the exact thoughts that all of us who suffer from depression have running through our head. In fact, I told someone just the other day that if someone came up to me with a gun and asked if I was a Christian I wouldn’t be afraid or deny it. I would say, “Yes, I am. And please, please, please shoot me now so that I can go meet Jesus and finally be happy because I don’t want to be here anymore.” That is what my depression does to me.
This video that I have attached here is about a young woman describing to her mother, who does not get depression, what depression is like. The video is amazing! The woman does a FABULOUS job of explaining what depression is like. If you have depression and need reassurance that you are not the only one who has it, watch this video. If you are someone who does not understand depression and what it is like, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!! I am begging you to. People need to understand that depression is a serious issue. They need to understand what it is like for those of us who live with it every day. We didn’t ask to be depressed. We didn’t “bring this on ourselves.” We can’t “just get over it.” And it most certainly isn’t something we “just made up in our heads.” Depression is a serious issue.
If you would have asked me five years ago if I would have seen myself as being diagnosed with depression and having to take medication for it and see a therapist because I want to harm myself, I would have laughed at you and said no. But, dear readers, it happened. You see……it happened to someone who scoffed at the very thought of having depression. Someone who thought they were strong enough to escape depression for their whole life. You see, I was that person. But, grief, pain, and heartache led me to the dark clutches of depression and I can no longer escape it. I have depression. There in my medical file is the diagnosis written by a medical doctor that nobody wants….depression.
Just last night I went to the late church service with my sister. I am a Catholic, so there is a lot of sitting, standing, and kneeling. Early on in the church service, I felt a wave of depression come over me. I knew what it was. It was a panic attack. I couldn’t get a full breath of air. I had to clutch on to the pew so I didn’t faint. My hands got sweaty and every limb in my body started shaking. My sister looked over at me because she noticed that I had gone white and was breathing fast. She asked if I was okay and I said no. She had to escort me out of church early. We had to leave church right before communion because I couldn’t breathe and knew I would faint if I went to communion. I was utterly embarrassed as my sister held onto me as she walked me out of church and people stared. I have no idea what triggered this attack. It could have been that I was thinking about my failed relationships and how I wish I had a friend and how maybe, just maybe, it could have been my fault that these relationships failed. Because, after years of being friends, how can someone just decide to walk away from you when you are in the most pain you have ever been in? Maybe, it was all my fault. I figured it was either those thoughts or the lonely holidays that triggered this attack. I will never really know…
I have decided that it might be best for me to make the appointment with the psychiatrist. My medical doctor is the one who does the prescribing of my medications, but it might be time for me to get an actual evaluation done with a psychiatrist. Part of me is denying needing this because it terrifies me. But, the other part of me is saying, “you need this. You are getting worse.” We shall see I guess…..