As those of you who read my blog frequently know, I have had the thoughts of cutting in my mind lately. I showered tonight and had the same thoughts as I routinely dragged the razor across my legs. These thoughts have several triggers and I am working it out with my therapist.
An amazing blogger, rise of the phoenix, commented on my cutting post (The Razor “Just Slipped”) and discussed the use of exhausting exercise instead of cutting. This concept has been in the back of my head for the past several days. Needless to say, I have tried it.
Tonight, I laced up the running shoes and got onto my treadmill. I had the music of Muse pounding in my earbuds and I felt each beat. I took off. It was slow at first, but then I picked up speed as I tried to match the beat of the music I was playing. I kept running. Forcing myself to endure and feel the pain. Telling myself that the burning muscles were so much better than cutting myself. After mile two, my first wind came and I felt amazing. I sped up. For the first time since my father died, I felt free. I felt that the faster I ran and more pain that I felt, the more I was leaving the girl shackled and bound by her depression behind. I felt like Forest Gump as he was freed of his leg braces when he ran. My shackles fell off me and I left them in the dust.
At the end of it, I was soaked in sweat. I felt alive….for the first time in months…I was alive.
***Important note**** I want you all to know that I am a runner. In the past, I used to run between 8-12 miles a day. I haven’t ran that much in quite a while, but I know how to do it because I have been trained and coached to do it. I know when the time to stop arrives.*****