I was at work today and got to thinking about you. As I thought about you, the heartache and unbearable pain in my chest and stomach came back. I wanted to scream, rip out my hair, and hold myself as I said, “It didn’t happen. He didn’t die. He is still alive. He hasn’t been dead for 8 months…..my papa is still here. I can call him tonight.”
But, those thoughts are lies. You are dead. You are with mom and Jesus. You are with your mom and your real dad. You see dad, it wasn’t until now that I came to fully understand your whole past. How your father passed away when you were only 7. How you found out about his death at school and from another kid. How your mom remarried and divorced because that man did not treat her, or her children, very nicely. Dad, I know that you didn’t want your children to know that part of your life. You never talked about it. Mom told me when I was younger and told me to never ask you about it. I didn’t get it then. With my pain I am going through now, I get it. I wouldn’t want my children to know about the pain I have right now either. I would want to protect them from it. Just like you did with your children.
Dad, you were so strong. As strong as I pray to be. You endured all of this during your childhood, helped your wife survive two miscarriages, and raised six children. You survived your mother dying and then your wife dying four months later. Your wife passed away in the bed you shared with her. Had you not been up already, she could have died right next to you. You managed to still sleep in that bed. I don’t know how you did it dad. You were so strong. I pray to be as strong as you and as devote of a Christian as you were.
I cried today at work because I miss you so much dad. I miss you. I haven’t cried for this reason in awhile. But, I did today. I have been in a daze the rest of the day and tried to do my best teaching, but I kept thinking about you dad. I miss and love you so much. I can’t wait until the day I get to meet Jesus and see you and mom again.
Your Baby Girl