In moments of great grief, all of us go through moments where we get angry with God. Angry at Him for taking our loved ones away from us. Angry for giving us this pain. I have been angry at God and experienced anger with Him for both of my parents’ deaths.
Lately, my anger with Him has returned. Last night, I was extremely angry with Him. I wanted to become violent. I wanted to overturn my furniture and break my dishes as I screamed obscenities at Him. I was angry with Him for taking all my loved ones away from me. For leaving me abandoned. I can almost hear the devil saying to me, “Where is your precious God now? Why has He left you this way? He doesn’t love you. Why do you keep saying that you love him? A God who loves you wouldn’t give you this pain. Take that knife and use it the way you want to. Overdose on your sleeping pills and never wake up. He doesn’t care about you.”
Last night I wanted to agree with that devil. I was in so much pain. I was angry with God. It is times like this where one can easily doubt God. For doubting his love for us, or his even existence.
Even though I go through these phases, I have to tell the devil, “my God is there and he continues to love me. This pain that He gives me now is nothing compared to the pain you would give me for eternity. You promise me nothing. He promises me everything.”
People who know my story easily ask me, “Why do you still believe? After everything you have been through. Why do you believe? You can have proof that He doesn’t exist.” My response: The belief in God ensures that I will be able to see my deceased loved ones again and never have them taken from me again. God will allow me to see them again. There is hope in that. Also, God is there for me during these fits of anger. Last night, I swore I could hear Him whisper to me, “My daughter, you can be angry with me all you want. I understand your pain. Be angry with me. You are human and allowed to have these emotions. But, please know, that I will never turn my back on you. I will hover over you and protect you from all hurtful people and things as you throw your obscenities and anger at me. Why? Because I love you that much.”
God has done just that. At times, I can feel Him hovering over me and protecting me. He has removed those hurtful people who aren’t supporting me through my grief from my life. He is there now and continues to hover over and protect me as I go through this. He carries me as I scream my anger at Him. If that isn’t love…I don’t know what is.