I Don’t Recognize This Woman

I just looked in the mirror.  I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me.  This woman had bright red eyes, tears streaming down her face, and cried off makeup.  She was holding her heart as if pressing it would stop the pain she was having in it.  The clear indication was that her pain was located there…..in her heart.

It is 7:00 p.m. and I am in bed writing this as I continue to cry.  My bottle of sleeping pills is at hand so that the moment I finish I can take a few and stop this pain until morning.

I was okay after my cry about dad.  Not in a good state, but okay.  I ventured to mass tonight for the Immaculate Conception of the Mary.  Little did I know that this would be a huge trigger for me.  The whole mass spoke about mothers.  I couldn’t do it.  I ran out of church at the end holding back tears.  When I finally got in my car, I broke down and bawled over how much I miss my own mother.  How much I wish I could talk to her.  I drove home and cried the whole half hour drive.  Frequently sobbing and like a child saying over and over, “Mommy….I want my mommy.”  Sadly, she can’t come to me.  And she can’t talk to me.

My heart hurt so badly by the time I got home.  I ran into my apartment so that no one would see the wreck that I was.  I looked into my lonely apartment and got more sad about how no one was there.  It was just me and my tears.  I quickly turned on the light, closed the door behind, and leaned my forehead against the door as I sobbed, “I can’t do this anymore God.  This hurts too much…I can’t take the pain anymore.  Please….please….please make it stop!”

A lot of this heartbreak I am having right now is that of missing the love my parents gave to me.  I honestly don’t have anyone on earth who loves me anymore.  Everyone has abandoned me.  I feel so alone and broken.  I can’t do this anymore.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.


5 thoughts on “I Don’t Recognize This Woman

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  1. I know you can never replace your parents… but all of us here are thinking of you and hurting with you as we read this. We feel your pain through your writing and I hope that lets us share a little bit of it while you go through it. I guess we take turns? Keep writing, keep expressing your feelings, keep letting us share your pain. At least that’s what I hope for myself as I go through similar feelings.
    Big hugs for you… xoxo

    1. Thank you for this comment! It definitely shows me that I am not as alone as I feel. It is strange how strangers I have never met can help me so much. I will continue to blog about my grief as all of you wonderful people have become a huge and amazing support system to me. Honestly, if it wasn’t for all you wonderful people reading and commenting on this blog, I probably would have done something drastic a long time ago. Sometimes, all I need is to read a comment of support or advice from amazing people like you who know what it is like to go through this. Thanks again for everything. It means so much.

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