It’s 5:00 in the morning and not an usual time for me to be blogging. It is also not usual for me to write a blog in which I directly ask for advice or help. This is usually something I leave for my therapist. But, I have to get this off my mind. I have to figure something out. I am in extreme panic. Here is the issue:
I had another nightmare. This one was horrible.
In this dream, the sister I always write about (the only person I have left in my life right now) died. I was there when she died and had to figure everything out. I had to tell everyone, but I was screaming so hard while crying that I couldn’t. I remember thinking about how I had to tell her husband. Then, I thought, “I have to marry him. He is a widower and the only person I have left. If I don’t marry him, he will leave me and I will have literally no one in my life.” (side note here-I don’t want to marry my brother-in-law in real life. I love him like a brother. He has been there for me when my real brothers haven’t. It was just last week when I decided he would be the one I would want to give me away at my wedding.) My panic continues and my brother-in-law shows up with my sister. I look at him and tell him, “Jody is dead.” Then, I look at her and say, “what are you doing here? You are dead.” The dream almost replays itself and this time I believe I have a chance to save her. I warn her beforehand and tell her we can’t go anywhere because she will die. I watch the clock and at the same time, she dies. Panic rises in me again. We go the cemetery and pick out a plot for her. It is right beside my parents.
And I wake up in panic thinking, “NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! I can’t have that dream. Those dreams become real life! Someone always dies after I have a dream like that!” The time of year during this dream: Easter. (Good Friday to be exact.) AKA: the exact time of year my father passed away this year.
When I woke up, I tossed and turned. There was no getting back to sleep for me. I was in so much panic, I wanted to throw up. But, I forced the bile back down my throat. I also thought, “If I die first, I won’t have to go through that. And she would still have her husband, so she wouldn’t be alone. I have to make sure I die first.” Insert self-harm and suicide thoughts here. Yup…..it’s back. I don’t want this dream to make me succumb to those thoughts again. Insert plea for advice here.