Demons Are Back in Full Force

It’s 5:00 in the morning and not an usual time for me to be blogging.  It is also not usual for me to write a blog in which I directly ask for advice or help.  This is usually something I leave for my therapist.  But, I have to get this off my mind.  I have to figure something out.  I am in extreme panic.  Here is the issue:

I had another nightmare.  This one was horrible.

In this dream, the sister I always write about (the only person I have left in my life right now) died.  I was there when she died and had to figure everything out.  I had to tell everyone, but I was screaming so hard while crying that I couldn’t.  I remember thinking about how I had to tell her husband.  Then, I thought, “I have to marry him.  He is a widower and the only person I have left.  If I don’t marry him, he will leave me and I will have literally no one in my life.”  (side note here-I don’t want to marry my brother-in-law in real life.  I love him like a brother.  He has been there for me when my real brothers haven’t.  It was just last week when I decided he would be the one I would want to give me away at my wedding.)  My panic continues and my brother-in-law shows up with my sister.  I look at him and tell him, “Jody is dead.”  Then, I look at her and say, “what are you doing here?  You are dead.”  The dream almost replays itself and this time I believe I have a chance to save her.  I warn her beforehand and tell her we can’t go anywhere because she will die.  I watch the clock and at the same time, she dies.  Panic rises in me again.  We go the cemetery and pick out a plot for her.  It is right beside my parents.

And I wake up in panic thinking, “NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! I can’t have that dream.  Those dreams become real life!  Someone always dies after I have a dream like that!”  The time of year during this dream:  Easter. (Good Friday to be exact.) AKA: the exact time of year my father passed away this year.

When I woke up, I tossed and turned.  There was no getting back to sleep for me.  I was in so much panic, I wanted to throw up.  But, I forced the bile back down my throat.  I also thought, “If I die first, I won’t have to go through that.  And she would still have her husband, so she wouldn’t be alone.  I have to make sure I die first.”  Insert self-harm and suicide thoughts here.  Yup…’s back.  I don’t want this dream to make me succumb to those thoughts again.  Insert plea for advice here.


7 thoughts on “Demons Are Back in Full Force

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  1. ❤ That really sucks… A pretty traumatic way to wake up eh? I'm so sorry this happened. Will you be able to talk about it with your therapist? Can you try going for a short run, even say… 10 minutes? Thinking of you these days as you go through tough times. xoxo

      1. The gym was good. I only went 2 miles again, but it burned and felt good. Today is going better than yesterday. I have the day off of work to travel 2 hours so I can go to my therapy appointment. So, it is a little more low key and allows me to process more.

  2. Im so sorry you had such a terrible dream. Dreams can really stick with you sometimes and affect you so much more than they need too. Usually when I start analyzing them I can trace back why certain things are in there – a worry here, a conversation there, a thought – anyway….I’m so sorry. I don’t understand suicide thoughts but I have been so depressed I just wished I could go to sleep and never wake up. I believe there is always hope. If you are still here then God has a plan and a purpose for your days here on earth. I hope you feel better as the day does on.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I do know what triggered it, as most of my nightmares have the same trigger. Or so my therapist says. It’s usually that of abandonment. I am always standing alone at the end. My therapist says it is my brain trying to process my abandonment in real life.

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