I had to take a sick day yesterday to travel the two hours in order to have a much needed therapy session with my therapist. As I sat in the waiting room, I noticed that I was nervous. I haven’t been this nervous to see my therapist since I first started seeing him. For some reason, I was panicked about telling him about my nightmares.
The whole session was dedicated to interpreting my dreams, as they are now giving me insomnia again. We talked the whole 60 minutes about the dream I had of my dad. He made me close my eyes and continue where the dream left off, analyze how I felt at certain parts of the dream, etc. I didn’t like it one bit and was uncomfortable during the whole session. I felt forced to live through the horror of my dream over and over again. My therapist finally came to the conclusion that I need to somehow get to the point of associating my father back to the “teddy-bear, caring, proud father” I had instead of the father that left me with his death.
We are going to be focusing on my nightmares for the next few sessions. He has recommended that I do a sleep study so that they can watch my brain’s activity while I sleep and see if something is going on there. This absolutely freaks me out. Something about sleeping in that clinic with wires attached to my head and people watching my brain activity at every minute freaked me out. I don’t know why the thought freaks me out. It’s almost like if I do it, I am letting complete strangers into my very thoughts and the intimate part that makes me….well…me.
He also recommended adding a sleeping medication to my daily dose of pills. Right now, I take Lorazepram (which is a tranquilizer) to help me sleep. Generally, it does the job. But, lately it hasn’t been.
From some reason this dream analysis, sleep study recommendation, and addition of sleeping medications really bothers me. I know it confirms that I have insomnia and am haunted by my very thoughts.