I’ve Taken a Few Steps Back in This Depressive Dance


Hello all.  I wanted to let you know that I have taken a few steps backwards in my fight against depression.  This is disheartening to me, but I suppose we all go backwards in our fights against it every now and then.  Today is a REALLY bad day for me.  I am binging on food like no other.  Ice cream, chocolate, pizza, you name it.  Yes, I am emotional eating.  Now that it registers in my mind just how much I have eaten today, I want to go throw it all up.  Instead, I suppose I can kill my muscles on the treadmill tonight.

I keep thinking about how I have two bottles of vodka and one bottle of rum in my freezer.  How maybe those would drain my sorrows.  How straight shots of vodka sliding down my throat might actually feel good.  In fact, my therapist told me a few sessions ago, “for someone your age and in your position, I wouldn’t blame you if you became an alcoholic.  You certainly have reasons to want to drink.”   But, I don’t go there.  Only because I know that once I start, I won’t be able to stop myself and it would quickly go somewhere VERY bad.

Additionally, I don’t want to be with anyone.  I went to church today and that is about as far as I go with socializing.  I was invited to go to Donkey Basketball at the school today, but I lied.  I said I was sick and can’t come.  No, I am not bodily sick.  But, I am mentally sick.  Maybe I didn’t really lie when I said I was sick and can’t come.

I heard this Adele song on my way home from therapy on Friday.  It is just how I feel right now.  The lyrics hit home for me.  I will leave them here for you to dissect on your own time.

A Million Years Ago: Adele

I only wanted to have fun
Learning to fly learning to run
I let my heart decide the way
When I was young
Deep down I must have always known
That this would be inevitable
To earn my stripes I’d have to pay
And bare my soul

I know I’m not the only one
Who regrets the things they’ve done
Sometimes I just feel it’s only me
Who can’t stand the reflection that they see
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air I miss my friends
I miss my mother I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago

When I walk around all of the streets
Where I grew up and found my feet
They can’t look me in the eye
It’s like they’re scared of me
I try to think of things to say
Like a joke or a memory
But they don’t recognise me now
In the light of day

I know I’m not the only one
Who regrets the things they’ve done
Sometimes I just feel it’s only me
Who never became who they thought they’d be
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air I miss my friends
I miss my mother I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago
A million years ago

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7 thoughts on “I’ve Taken a Few Steps Back in This Depressive Dance

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  1. I always hesitate to comment on your blog because I honestly do not know how you feel, but I long to offer you encouragement. As an alcoholic, it helps for me to eliminate as much as possible anything that triggers my desire to drink. I’m not sure so I hope this doesn’t offend you – but wouldn’t depression hold triggers as well. I mean I knew there is probably root issues that need tending – but what about the offshoots of those roots – prune them down. Such as the book you read – you mentioned it was worth it – but was it really? I don’t know, honestly, so again, take it or leave it, but it seems to me like eliminating depressing songs, books, movies from your mind’s input would be helpful.

    1. Thank you so much for you input. It is well taken. There could be several underlying reasons for this setback. Yes, the book could have triggered some of this. I discussed this with my therapist the other day. I enjoy reading thrillers (they are my favorite genre) so it bothered me when he prohibited me from reading them back in April. I picked them back up a month ago because I was doing a little better and missed reading them. His response on Friday was to fix the feelings I have about the loss of my parents, family, and friends and associate them with the good memories again, instead of continuing to associate them with the hurt and pain caused to me now. That doing this would limit those triggers. I am just not so sure how to do that. He said we would work on it in my next session. I like your approach. Maybe I am doing this all wrong. Maybe I do need to go without reading them for a little bit longer.

      1. I don’t know that there is a wrong in this journey of trying to figure out what makes us happy and healthy…maybe just a better way and not so better way…hahaha. I think keeping an inventory or a journal as you are doing and I am doing is helpful. I have realized much about myself in my writing.

  2. Also, I read on someone else’s blog – i will see if I can remember which one it was and link for you – he mentioned reading a book that said to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and say “I love you.” He said he thought it was corny, but he did it anyway and it helped him and his depression.

  3. Huge hugs for you… I also have vodka and other bottles of alcohol at home which I am tempted to drink so I totally know how you feel. If we were geographically closer we could go for a run together… I know from experience that it is of limited consolation to hear that others are thinking of you… But we all are! Try doing a particularly punishing workout tonight (go by effort not by speed). It always seems to help me with my mood. It’s sort of a catch 22 because that’s the last thing you feel like doing but after it’s done, it works wonders for your self-esteem and gives you a great natural adrenaline boost. Try some intervals? 2 minutes hard, 3 minute jog? I think of you every time I go for my run. Our previous discussions help motivate me to get out the door! xoxo

    1. Thank you so much for thinking of me and being there for me. It means so much to me. I too wish we lived in the same area so that we could do runs together. Sometimes, I feel like a face-to-face conversation with someone that knows how I feel would be nice.

      I didn’t get to the workout tonight. I was at my sister’s this weekend (as she lives 45 minutes away from where I go to therapy), so I hit the road a little later than usual (probably because of my emotional state and not wanting to go back-which I will admit that I did cry for a good part of the drive back). Right now, all I want to do is crawl into bed for the night. I will DEFINITELY make sure I get the workout in tomorrow! ❤ ❤ ❤

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