As mentioned before, I have some major depression going on this week. I am really, really, really hating my life right now.
First, I dislike my job. There are so many negative people there that I just can’t seem to help the kids like I want to. The negativity is really hindering what I do to help them. I did tell the principal off this week and am sure it was not well received, as she went behind my back and did what I told her not to.
Second, I got a text last night that made me sink lower and lower. My brother informed me that he asked his girlfriend to marry him and she said yes. I know I need to be a Christian and be happy for him. So, I am trying. But…I just can’t. You see…..my siblings pushed me aside during the mourning of my father’s death/his funeral. This girlfriend had more say in the funeral planning than I did. Her grieving was taken more seriously than mine was and she hardly knew my father. I told my brother off about this while bawling and screaming that my father was my father for 25 years and knowing him for only a few months does not put her grief before mine because mine is worse. This didn’t stop anything. I was pushed away and this girl was taken in. So, last night, I knew that it is final. With this marriage, I am pushed out of the family for good. Oh gah….here come the tears as I write this…I should let them flow, so I don’t know why I am holding them back. Give me a few minutes to cry this out and I will be right back to writing…..
okay….onto the other thing with this engagement. I texted the sister I talk to about it. He didn’t inform her. She called me and we talked for some time. While we were talking, her husband texted her a forwarded text from this brother about the engagement. So, my sister is incredibly hurt right now and sunk lower in her depression. She feels cast out of the family as well because he won’t even personally tell her about the engagement. This of course REALLY bothers me because this one sister is really all I have.
Another thing this engagement did to me was made me analyze my loneliness again. Honestly….I have only two people in my life right now. TWO people. My sister and her husband. I have NO family besides this because my biological family just doesn’t care about me or talk to me anymore. I have no friends. I am alone and this really bothers/scares me. It makes me feel that I am unworthy of human love. Like something I did or some sin I committed is dooming me to this heart-wrenching loneliness.
Then, last night the nightmares came back. I relived BOTH my parent’s funerals in the nightmares. Surprise, surprise, my family did not even see me or talk to me at the funeral. It was like I was a ghost among them. I was alone in my grief….here come the tears again…..I better stop writing now. Thanks for reading.