My recent bout with depression and work stress has several people in my life worried. My sister is beyond worried. I hate when I worry her. That always means that I have gone too far. Yesterday, she almost packed up her dog and sent her with me for the week saying, “Izzie makes you happy. Take her for the week. You’ll be happy coming home to her.” I refused. I couldn’t take her dog from her for the week. The thing is, I am just so confused.
For the past four months, my blog has been a place in which I have revealed and written my most intimate, deep, and dark thoughts. There are no secrets between this blog and me. Since I write about everything here, I am going to write about my cause for confusion. Here we go:
My “best” friend and I had a falling out in September and we haven’t talked much since. After seven years of friendship, we went our separate ways. She had things of her own going on and couldn’t deal with my grief and depression. She didn’t really understand what I was going through and what I was/am dealing with. Suddenly, she has started texting me again. Asking how my day is going and if I’m okay. It has been so long since she contacted me that she doesn’t know about all the changes in my life. She doesn’t know how much I have changed. I feel very resistant to let this person back into my life. I mean, you can’t just choose when to be a “friend.” Can you? You can’t just walk out on a person when they are experiencing the worst pain in their life and then expect to come back. Right? Now, I am getting texts from her everyday (for the past three days). I never know how to respond. How much to say. I talked to my therapist about all of this and he just stared at me as he said, “Why would you respond? She owes you some explanations and I feel that you grew so much by cutting off that friendship. Why would you go back? You have become a new and more mature person since she left you. You aren’t the same person.” My therapist pretty much tells me to keep my distance. As does my sister. I am just so confused. I still don’t understand anything about the falling out of our relationship or other situations around that. I just don’t know if a person can truly “care about me” when they haven’t contacted me during the worst months of my life. If I managed to make it through those months without them, why would I need them now? As my therapist has told me, I am more mature and stronger now. Why would I go back? Why would I look back?