When I think about family (the word, concept, or my very own family), I get saddened. I truly haven’t known what it is like to have a “family” since my mother passed away 10 years ago. She was our glue. The cohesiveness that held us all together. After all, a structure is only as strong as the support holding the beams. So, when she died, the concept of our “family” died as well.
I recently blogged about how one of my brothers is getting married. My brothers are not very nice people. I have been called horrible things by them and yelled at by them. Basically, treated with no respect from them. I remember a day when I was probably about 13. I was with my mother. We were on a road trip and out of no where she says, “your father is worried.” I didn’t know where she was going, so I asked her what he was worried about. Then, she told me that he had a nightmare about one of my brothers raping me. Since that nightmare, my father watched how this brother acted around me and he was terrified it would come true. So, my mother told me that I needed to stay away from him and always make sure I was covered up around him, as well as never be alone with him because I was becoming a woman and developing in areas I wasn’t developed. Since then, this brother has somewhat scared me. I have not made anyone aware of this fact besides the sister I am close to and a blogger I have been in contact with. It has been my mother’s and my secret. I was the baby. My father was always watching out for his baby girl.
Anyways, back to the getting married brother. He wants my sister to sing for his wedding. If he has been in contact with either one of us, he would know that the doctor won’t allow her to sing until she is in better health. Of course, he doesn’t know this. So, he called my sister’s HUSBAND and asked HIM if she could sing at the wedding. I know right? Very cowardly. I almost wanted to text him the moment I found out and call him a pus*y. But, I didn’t. I need to stay a Christian and just let it go.
I will not be going to this wedding. I know that I get a LOT of judgement from people for saying this. They all think I should be supportive. But, you know what, I DON’T CARE! I am sorry, but this brother NEVER made it to any of my life events, why should I go to his? He didn’t come to any of my sporting events, birthdays, proms, college graduations, or award ceremonies. Those were milestones to me. So, why would I go to the milestones for him? You reap what you sow people….you reap what you sow.
After all of this drama yesterday, I got a little back in the depression hole. I tried not to think about my family and the pain I have gotten from them. I looked up places I could (and want to) move to. I looked for an escape. I want out and I want out now. I want to run from all of this and start over. Over in a place my family can’t follow me.
The blogger I became friends with was texting me last night. I got to talking to her about what was bothering me. I have to say, I have never in my entire life had someone defuse my anger so easily. She allowed me to vent and asked just the right questions that got it all out of me. We were texting at what would be 10:30 her time and I told her that she should probably get to bed. She agreed, but said only if I felt better. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. I have NEVER had a person care about me so much (besides my parents and my one sister and her husband). I have never had a FRIEND care about me enough to truly sacrifice their time, life, and sleep to help me out. Someone who knew the right thing to say and instead of brushing off my pain. She acknowledged it and allowed me to discuss it. Allowed me to feel it. She didn’t give me the vibe that I should just push the pain back and forget it because it is “uncomfortable for them” if I discuss it. No, she gave me that vibe that I should feel it. She also told me, “I know you don’t believe this, but I don’t intend to abandon you. I think you’re a great friend.” Wow…just wow! To that, I am very grateful and appreciative. I only hope I can do for her what she did for me last night.