Holding the Smoking Gun


Due to triggers from family (and dealing with the lawyer for my father’s will/estate), I have fallen into the depression hole again. I feel as if certain people are holding a gun to me and have pulled the trigger.  That they stand there holding the smoking gun as I suffer and writhe in the depression they put me into.  As if this was all for fun and games.  As if my suffering is nothing to them.

It got so bad yesterday that I broke out in my anxiety rash.  Yes, I had red rashes that spread from my neck, face, and arms.  This only happens when I have a lot going on and can’t handle it.  I have only had it happen once before.  On top of this, I got into “that state.”  Many of you may know what “that state” is.  It is where you are talking to someone trying to defuse you, and only start saying the one word responses of “ya” and “ok.”  Usually, when I pull this stuff, I am so far gone in my depression there is no digging me out for days.  I went home and ate a whole box of Girl Scout cookies….then laid on my couch staring at the ceiling, dreaming of getting out of here/my current life, and texting a few fellow bloggers for help and advice.

I am so lucky to have met bloggers through this site.  They managed to pull me out.  To make me see the light.  Even though I was giving the one word answers, they didn’t give up.  They pulled me through.  I thought that was pretty amazing and I cannot be more thankful!  ❤

Currently, I am looking for any way out of here.  I need to start over in a new place FAR away from here.  So, NO PLACE in the Dakotas.  I need out of here.


6 thoughts on “Holding the Smoking Gun

Add yours

    1. Ha!!!!! Hmmm Girl Scout cookies…Marijuana….like the same thing, no? HAHAHAHAHAH I remember right after my dad passed away and we were just waiting around for the funeral, my sister and I laid in bed together as we stared at the ceiling and processed the fact that our dad died. Then my sister was like, “Maybe we should go to Denver.” I was like, “why?” And she said, “I think we need some pot right now. I think that would help us.” ahhahahahahahahahhahahahahah

  1. Come to Canada. I live in a big city. Get your nails done anytime. I’ll outfit you with complete winter gear. We’ll go try tons of restaurants (not McDonalds!!!). 🙂 seriously… Let’s all help you shop for a new city/home!

  2. I can’t wait to read more of you. I’ve been amazed at how much a community like ours in the blogging world can grab hold of you and refuse to let you sink with the ship. I’m grateful you’ve experienced that!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: