I cried for about half an hour this morning. It was the crying in which your heart hurts so bad and huge tears roll down your face and chest. This was when I was getting ready for work, so it was very difficult to get my makeup done. I managed to calm myself enough to get my “facade” painted on and get out the door. But, I continue to be triggered. Here is what triggered me:
My aunt replied to my message with :”ouch.” Then some crap about how this letter was something about my birth that an aunt sent to her/how she doesn’t want to get into my family issues. Bull shit!!!!! I started bawling because 1: like always with this family, it’s about ME hurting THEM. Never the other way. IT’S ALWAYS MY DAMN FAULT WITH THIS DAMN FAMILY WHEN THEY HAVEN’T CONTACTED ME FOR 11 YEARS! and 2: It hurt knowing that I wasn’t worth the truth. She lied to me. She does too want in my family issues. That was the main purpose for her visit with my sister this week.
Then, I started down the grief path. I bawled for my mother. How much I miss her and want to talk to her about this. How I don’t remember her. How I can’t picture her face or hear her voice anymore. How in my memory it’s almost like she never existed. That hurts me so much because I loved her so much.
I feel as if no matter how I respond to people these days it’s like I am giving them back the gun to pull the trigger again and shoot me back into depression. I need to stop handing back the gun.