Here’s the Gun, Pull the Trigger

I cried for about half an hour this morning.  It was the crying in which your heart hurts so bad and huge tears roll down your face and chest.  This was when I was getting ready for work, so it was very difficult to get my makeup done.  I managed to calm myself enough to get my “facade” painted on and get out the door.  But, I continue to be triggered.  Here is what triggered me:

My aunt replied to my message with :”ouch.”  Then some crap about how this letter was something about my birth that an aunt sent to her/how she doesn’t want to get into my family issues.  Bull shit!!!!! I started bawling because 1: like always with this family, it’s about ME hurting THEM.  Never the other way.  IT’S ALWAYS MY DAMN FAULT WITH THIS DAMN FAMILY WHEN THEY HAVEN’T CONTACTED ME FOR 11 YEARS!  and 2:  It hurt knowing that I wasn’t worth the truth.  She lied to me.  She does too want in my family issues.  That was the main purpose for her visit with my sister this week.

Then, I started down the grief path.  I bawled for my mother.  How much I miss her and want to talk to her about this.  How I don’t remember her.  How I can’t picture her face or hear her voice anymore.  How in my memory it’s almost like she never existed.  That hurts me so much because I loved her so much.

I feel as if no matter how I respond to people these days it’s like I am giving them back the gun to pull the trigger again and shoot me back into depression.  I need to stop handing back the gun.


13 thoughts on “Here’s the Gun, Pull the Trigger

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  1. If you can take back the gun, then you are finding your strength. 🙂 I am a true believer these days that we have to be true to ourselves. It sounds like you are started to realize a lot of hard but positive things. HUGS to you!

  2. I heard a gret talk today about the “unreasonable demands” we expect of those we love. I thought about that word “unreasonable” which comes from the word “reason”. And the reality is that how I reason, is different than how you reason, or how your family members might reason. Our abilities to reason are independent of one another, and we reason to come to a conclusion about things. What I’m getting at is the fact that your family members will always come to a different conclusion than you will, and there is no responsibility on your part to accept their methods of reason.
    I think you are fine, I think you understand that you are accountable to no one but yourself – that is a GOOD place to be.

    1. That’s for sure. It’s all about perspective taking. I have a hard time taking their perspective because they have never been through what I have and they have a hard time taking mine because they haven’t been through what I have. So, I am all like, “You all abandoned me and now want to come back?” And they are, “You are the issue. You are the one that didn’t reach out to us. We are going to fix you now.” I deleted my Facebook account due to the negativity and bullying of family that comes from it. I think that was a step I needed to take in healing.

      1. I have family members that I am not connected to on facebook, as well. I’ve literally had to tell them, “I am who I am, and you either accept it or not. I am not seeking approval any longer.”

      2. Exactly! It’s taken me this long to finally realize that I need to do what is right for me, not others. If quitting Facebook and ignoring messages helps me, then I need to do just that. It may feel like I am avoiding the pain. But, in reality, I am just setting myself up for not being hurt anymore by them. I am “taking away the gun” and not “letting the pull the trigger” anymore.

      3. You’re setting boundaries. That’s not avoiding pain, that’s literally facing the pain. Good for you. 🙂

  3. I found this really great article called “You ARE Allowed To Have Boundaries With Family” that I thought I’d share here.

    My favorite excerpt, “Boundaries are for you. You’re not doing it to influence or even control the behaviour of others; you say no, you have boundaries and you set limits because you know what does and doesn’t work for you and you want to be happy. It’s not about you working out guidelines for others; it’s about deciding how you want to live and living it.

    They’re going to respond however they’re going to respond and experience has taught me that it’s best not to go with your fancy-pants boundaries expecting people to be rewarding you, praising you, or even telling them about how you want things to be. Just get on with it.”

  4. Wish your family could really see how they trigger you. Maybe they would butt out. I agree with Loomy, some boundaries need to be set.
    My mom can be a trigger for me, if I can’t cater to her wants, I would get a guilt trip, and it worked. I finally had to set boundaries with her and it has been one less potential trigger for me. In my opinion, your Aunt needs to get out of your territory.

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