I’ve gone back and forth about doing this post, but I feel like I need to. I feel the need to explain to all my loyal, and amazing, followers where I have been lately. Blogging also helps me process my emotions. So….here we go. A little warning for those of you with depression, this post may contain some triggers for you. So, please read with caution.
My depression has gotten BAD lately. I have been triggered and taken to probably the lowest place I have been since my dad died a year ago. The first thing that triggered this was that I got a letter from an aunt inviting me to Easter dinner. I never got invited to her place before. I threw the card in the trash as my brain kept telling me, Orphan…..you are an orphan…you have no where to go for the holiday. I tried to shut off the thoughts as I dug for a card in my card bin. There I found a Father’s Day card I never sent dad and realized that I now never could. This took me to a lower place. I got in my car and started driving to my sister’s place already triggered. Then, somehow, my mind gets on the thought of getting married and how I am single. Usually, this doesn’t bother me. But, my brain told me that I don’t know love and probably would never know it, or recognize, it when it comes because I have lost almost all those I loved. I was now in a very low place. I also thought about how I have accomplished this amazing thing by getting into a major Ph.D program and it being fully funded for me. A full ride. I should be proud, right? Well, I am not. Only like 4 people in this ENTIRE world know about this (5 including my therapist) and are proud of me for it. Only FOUR people in this world know I am moving this summer, and where in the world I am moving to. Only ONE out of FIVE siblings knows this and is proud of me. The others won’t even know, or even care, that I have moved to an entirely different part of the country.
Here is where it gets scary people……After all these thoughts, I was out of control. My thoughts just became more and more destructive as I spiraled out of control and lashed out against myself. I was driving around a curve. 10 miles from my sister’s house. Going the speed limit. A semi was coming towards me. I gripped the wheel as I thought about driving right into the semi and ending it all. I visioned it. I saw it all happen in my head. It would be quick. It would be efficient. I would be gone just like that. It would be “an accident.” I wanted to swerve towards it. It was coming so fast and so close. I wanted it to be over. Needless to say, I didn’t do it. I held the wheel with all my might as I stayed in my lane.
I got to my sister’s place and brushed her off. I tried to avoid her as she yelled at me and ordered me to tell her what was wrong. But, I laid right on the ground and held back tears. I held back tears all night and wouldn’t talk. Until they caught me crying and pulled it all out of me. I cried and talked for over an hour.
I went to therapy the next day and we discussed this. My therapist was concerned. Very concerned. Told me that the next time I have these thoughts while I am driving, I better drive myself right to the hospital to get professional help. He is making it mandatory for me to come and see him weekly until I move. It’s not an option. It’s mandatory. I was down to once or twice a month. Now, I am back to weekly. I am also supposed to be thinking about “the purpose of living this life.” It was the question he left me to ponder during this week. I have made no progress in thinking about that.
This week is the one year anniversary of my father’s death. AKA: The moment my life went to shit and I wanted to stop living. So, already triggered by that. I went to church on Sunday (the church my father’s funeral was at). The mass was for my dad. I was so anxious and trying to avoid flashbacks that I wanted to scratch my arms and tear out the pain. Instead, I made do with picking off all the nail polish from my $30 manicure. 10 minutes into mass it was all off and there was a nice pile of nail polish in the pew.
I get a double whammy because my father died over the Easter holiday. So, March 31st and Easter is triggering to me. I will always remember the Easter that I spent in mourning as I waited to endure my father’s funeral.
Lastly, none of my siblings checked in on me at Easter. NONE. I had no texts from them. I admitted to them all when dad died that I was already depressed and suicidal. Yet, none of them checked in. I could be dead and none of them would know it. This lead me to believe that I am, in some way, an unlovable person. Someone unworthy of love. Additionally, my brother changed the locks at the farm. I don’t have access to my childhood things anymore. He told my brother in law, “I will leave it open next weekend and will make sure I am not there.” It’s like he doesn’t even want to see me. Like he hates me for some reason. Well, I am 100% sure that is because of dad’s will and my little chat with the lawyer.
So…..I am very triggered and depressed. The suicidal thoughts are getting a little better, but I locked myself in the bathroom three times this weekend to cry and think about cutting, or purging the food that I had just binged. Anything to hurt myself. But, I didn’t. I had some amazing blogging friends I reached out to via text that helped talk me through the moment and de-escalate me so that I didn’t hurt myself.
That’s all I have for you now folks. With all of this being said, I could really use some support right now. Some amazing bloggers (that have become friends) are helping majorly. I really appreciate that. I have therapy again on Wednesday and am supposed to go see my family doctor again. Let’s see if I get brave enough to make that call. The last time I had to tell her about my “plan of action” it didn’t go so well for me. Nothing is more embarrassing than bawling in front of the doctor you have known since you were a baby.