On This Day-A Year Since You Left This Earth


Daddy,

Hi.  I hope all is well in heaven.  Say hello to mom for me.  Give her one of those giant teddy bear hugs for me!

Today, it has been exactly a year since you have left this earth.  Actually, it is close to the time I got the phone call at work saying you had died. My therapist told me not to think of today as a “dooms day.”  He worked with me for an hour and a half yesterday to remember the good things about you.  Not how you died.  He tried to tell me that it is time to let you and mom “go.”  That scared me beyond belief.  It is something he wants me to work towards before I leave for a new step in my life/career.

I know you are in a far better place dad.  But, I miss you.  I miss all the love you shared and your kind and generous heart.  I miss how you randomly checked in on me and worried about me. I miss your phone calls asking how things were going and if the car was still working okay.  I miss your goofy voicemails.

I have been having some difficulties living my life lately.  Actually, to be honest dad, I have wanted to end it so badly.  The pain my brothers and sisters, and other relatives, are causing me is just too much to bare.  But, I keep fighting.  Fighting for hope.  Fighting to continue living because you would want me to.  Because I know that my fight might just inspire someone else who has a similar story to keep living their life.

I know you would be extremely proud of the step I am about to take in my life.  It is a huge step.  I am finally telling people at work that I will not be here next year and am moving down to Tennessee.  I know your love will follow me there.  Your love is always there in my heart with me.  I must try to always remember that, even on the bad days.  I pray that I always do good to continue sharing with the world the kind and generous heart that you and mom have created in me.  I pray that your love may live on in the world through me, and hopefully some day my children (your grandchildren).

I love you so much dad.  On this day that you left this earth, I will remember the good things about you.  For your sake, I will try not to let this date and the stuff with your will get me down.  You would not want that to happen.  You would want me to keep breathing and being happy.  To keep helping people.  I will strive to do just that.

I will always love you dad.  You are ALWAYS in my heart.

Love always and forevermore,

Your Baby Girl

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14 thoughts on “On This Day-A Year Since You Left This Earth

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  1. Oh sweetie. Huge hugs to you today. Your post has me sobbing as I think of my 2 girls and how they miss their Daddy.

    Be gentle with you today. Hugs hugs hugs. Love xxx

    1. Thank you so, so, so much. ❤ ❤ ❤ I am using a lot of coping techniques to help me get through the day and not have a meltdown. So far, so good. Sharing the news of me moving is helping some. It is removing anxiety and building up hope for my future. I also booked up a date night with a co-worker tonight for supper so that I am not home alone.

      How old are your girls?

      1. So pleased you made plans for a date night. It really does help to be around other people. We had a huge BBQ at our place at the one year mark, the same as we did following Daniel’s funeral. They are hard days but surrounding yourself with people does help.

        Our youngest has just turned 11 and Miss J is about to turn 14. The girls were just 8 and 11 when Daniel died (instantly in a motorbike accident) a little over 2.5 years ago. It’s been an incredibly hard time with the normal teenage stuff going on, and then to add this grief on top….. it’s certainly a journey I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Having said that, we stay strong, we hold/ help each other up and the 3 of us have a relationship the has strengthened beyond anything I can describe.

        I hope today has been ok to you xo

      2. It is very touching how loss and grief can form such strong relationships (even among strangers…I have actually formed great friendships with some amazing bloggers who also endure their own personal grief). My sister and I are pretty much best friends because we have gone through all of this together. You will have very, very strong relationships with your daughters and they will appreciate that so much.

        Your daughters are young. My heart breaks for both of them, as well as you. As you know, it is so, so hard to lose someone you love so dearly. I lost my mom when I was 15. I felt like I had to grow up very fast because of it. The best thing to do is make sure that they, as well as you, can process their grief and do some coping. I never had help processing the loss of my mother, so I suppressed the fact that she was dead (as well as all memories of her) and it hit me hard when my dad died. The best thing is for you all to be there with each other. It is so, so painful. But, together you can cry and share the good memories of him that bring smiles to each of your faces.

        If you ever need anything, feel free to let me know! ❤

  2. I’m so glad that you shared this with us. Your dad sounds like he was an incredible person, and I’m so sorry that you lost him. Those we love never truly leave us. Remember that he is a part of who you are…. The lessons he taught you, the kindness and support he gave you, and the strength he nurtured within you to preserve and chase your dreams! I am so sure that heabd your mom are proud of you for helping others with your stories and chasing your dreams! Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting, remember that as you make these changes over the next few months. ❤️

    I’d also like to share with you something that has helped me over the last decade in honoring my father…. On the anniversary of his last day of life I always do something special that reminds me of him, even if it’s something small. My dad loved to go out to these small little hole in the wall restaurants, and he would always pull the end off one side of his straw paper and blow through the straw so the paper would fly off and hit me. It seems silly, but that always brings me back to being a kid having dinner with him at a restaurant…… And it always brings his love back to me.

    Take care!

    1. Thank you so much for your advice and support. It means so much to me! That is a great idea!!!!!! It is so hard to “move forward.” I don’t know why. I asked my therapist what I could be holding onto that he wants me to “let go of.” I was so confused. But, when we talked about “letting them go” I had major fear. I am still confused and scared about this. I don’t know why.

      How old were you when you dad passed away?

      1. My dad passed when I was 13. I don’t think it’s about letting them go in the sense of erasing them or forgetting them. It’s more about just accepting what’s happened, that you can’t change it….kniwing they knew you love them, and are watching out for them, and chasing after your dreams and goals! I’m always here for you, anytime

      2. Thank you. Yes, I suppose that is what he means. Loss is so hard! He told me something about my parents still being my “security” in my mind and that made sense. I need to become my own security now.

      3. Finding out who you are when you take everything and everyone else away is terrifying, but empowering. When I moved to Cleveland and away from my family it happened for me, and it will for you when you move. Remember that you have support in your friends, even if they are far and do not worry about everything being perfect. You’re human and you’re an an incredible journey. Enjoy that ride and have faith in who you are, because you’re amazing.

  3. My own father passed away when I was 18 and he was 43 after his brief battle with lung cancer. His love and joy are still present in my life four children and a lifetime of experiences later. The pain fades.

    https://postprodigal.com/2016/02/21/scars/

    Sharing your experiences is a brave and beautiful thing to do and shows a lot of strength in your person, even if you don’t always feel that way.

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