I’ve been having an incredibly difficult time lately. My father’s estate is wrapped up and my siblings are furious at me for making sure my dad’s wishes were fully carried out. Let’s just say that I am the victim of strong hate right now. Brutal hate. Heart breaking hate. So many nasty words have been said to me. I even feared/fear for my life.
I decided to think of my mother today. I wondered what 26-year-old me would be like with her. What we would talk about. So, I decided to have a “coffee date” with her. I made a cup of coffee just the way I (and she) like(s) it. And I imagined what would happen if 26-year-old me were to meet up with her for a coffee date. Here is what I feel would go down……..
First, there would be a HUGE hug. One in which I would not want to let her go. Then, I would tell her I have coffee made just the way she likes it. She would laugh and smile, as she tells me to catch her up with my life. So, I would. I would chatter away as she would laugh and smile. All the while giving me her “I am so proud of who you have become” smile. I would maybe start crying somewhere into my chatter. She would ask what is wrong. I would explain how I have missed her for 11 years and don’t remember much of her and how much this fact hurts me. I thought hard about how she would respond to this. I know she would give me a tight hug and kiss my forehead or cheek. Maybe even rock me in the hug as I bawl my eyes out. But the words…..what words would she say to this? I am stuck here….My mother was kind and loving, but she gave tough love as well. If a hard lesson was there for me to learn, she let me learn it and made me work it out. I wasn’t coddled in that aspect.
After some thought, I came up with what she would tell me. I truly believe she would say, “I know you miss me. I know you miss me every day. But, I am there in you. I am the kindness that you spread around. I am the love you give to those around you. I am in your laugh and smile. I am in your tears. I am in your very emotion. Look around, I am there. I am your mother and everything you do is created from the love I gave/give you.”
These words that I have imagined her saying are probably exactly what she would tell me. They are so hard to imagine and remember at times. But, they are always there resonating in the very heart and soul she gave to me in her womb.