Hello, dear readers. I am so sorry that I keep taking long hiatuses from writing. I hit an extremely bad spell of depression again. Don’t worry, I went to my family doctor on Friday and got checked out. She increased my depression/anxiety medication and then gave me a full fledged sleeping pill, on top of the one I already take to calm me at night. Once all the meds level out, I will be good. I am experiencing some light side effects, headaches, stomach aches, and occasional dizziness, but am feeling less depressed. So, we are getting somewhere. Additionally, I have my last therapy session with my therapist this week, as he is retiring. I have anxiety about finding a new therapist, but I will make progress in that area as well. I have also been referred to an eating disorder institute. We shall see how that goes. Ok, now that you are all caught up, on to the real reason for this post.
Last night, I took a very long walk. My usual route. There is a cemetery on this route and something led me into it (this is not the cemetery where my parents lay…I can’t even go in that one without sobbing and maybe even throwing up a few times…last time I went there it was in the middle of pouring rain and I fell to my knees as I bawled and wailed so hard I almost vomited in front of their tombstone.). I walked among the graves and found a peace and beauty in this place. I turned off my music and took out the earbuds as I took in the quietness..the stillness….the peacefulness away from the hectic and painful world. I wandered among the old graves and looked at names and dates. I felt as if I was looking into the stories of so many people and realized that I was. All of those graves told a story. Someone has cried over them, mourned over them, loved them. Someone with a great story lays beneath them. I looked at the stone altar that had a statue of Mary and a large life sized crucifix. Then, I noticed something. It looked like a building. I was curious, so I walked over to look at it. What did I find? Well, dear readers, I found the most beautiful grave I had ever seen. I have included the picture of it below. It was that of a family tomb built in 1919. I wanted so badly to know the story behind this. I peered through the glass window of the doors and saw on the other side a stained glass window that had a vase for flowers in front of it. The window and door windows had barred steel in front of it so that it could not be broken into. I peered more and saw the resting place of members of this family. The name of each member was written in the exact places their bodies lay, the latest being buried in 2013. I wanted so badly to try the door, but didn’t out of fear of being seen. Plus, I knew it had to be locked due to the large keyhole that resided on the door. I was totally taken away by the beauty and story of this grave. I wanted to find out more, so I asked the lady I know that takes care of the cemetery. All she could tell me was, “I have no idea who it is, but they are buried in there and it’s really old.” Both of which I already knew. Anyways, here is the picture of this grave:
As I wandered among graves, I thought about the immortality and preciousness of life. About how I already know that life can be so short and taken away at any moment (as both of my parents died young and unexpectedly). In a snap, it could be our last breath. I thought about the peacefulness of death. About how I am no longer scared of it as there is hope found in death. I wondered what story my grave will tell to the person wandering among graves. Then, I came to realize that life is so much more than worrying about past failures and relationships. Life is made to do something. Life is made to make a difference. That, dear readers, is how I found hope and peace in the cemetery. Hope in life….and death.
******If this grave happens belongs to you or someone you know, I am not intending to break confidentiality by posting a picture of it. It is an incredibly moving and beautiful grave.*****