Hello All! I am back! Sorry for the long break in writing, but, as it turns out, ph.d school gets insane at the end of the semester. I survived and completed it with a 3.9 GPA (thanks to one A-). In addition to being busy, I hit a HORRIBLE depression again. One of doubt and impostor syndrome. I had continual feelings that I didn’t belong in graduate school. The work was easy, but I just felt that I couldn’t do it. That it was a huge mistake for me moving to get my ph.d. Yes, I made great friends, but the lack of guidance and support made me feel lost. Attacked. Defeated. Dumb. A loser. Not at the level of that of the others in the program. Thoughts of cutting came and another suicidal idealization.
Now, that I have come out at the other side, I look back and realize that I am MUCH younger than most people in the program. I am 27. They are in their 40’s. There is a huge difference. I have also endured more conflict and issues in my life span that probably most of those people in that room. They all have families and friends. I don’t. I stick out like a sore thumb. There was also the issue of financial means. As a graduate assistant, I make very, very, very little to live on. It’s not even enough to pay rent. So begins the look for coaching and tutoring positions to at least be able to live. With all of this begin said, I decided to change in 2017. I need more confidence. I need to get my depression to calm down. I need to focus on making and maintaining GOOD friends. This is what I am doing to change:
- I have joined a co-worker, that works in my shared graduate teaching assistant office, on her Beach Body team. I am beginning with a 21 day fix and the Core De Force workout. I am excited to begin hardcore workouts again. I need to do this to get my confidence back (the enormous weight gain from my depression doesn’t help my confidence AT ALL. If anything, it makes me want to hide).
- I am leading my own research team starting this next semester and working hard to get three of my own studies published by the end of 2017. I am also entering some graduate research symposiums where I will be able to share my research and start to get noticed.
- I am traveling all over the U.S. for conferences in my field. It is expensive and most of it is on my dollar, but I NEED to start networking to get ahead and start making a difference in this field. I am heading to Florida in a few weeks and Boston in a few months.
- I am going to take charge. I am no longer going to sit and wait for opportunities to come to me. I am going to find the opportunities myself.
Wish me best of luck as I go through this. It is going to take a lot of mind power and maybe starting therapy again. I haven’t seen a therapist since I moved in July and I think it is time to start.